Four daughters. And a wife. A home full of women. It’s paradise. Until one of the daughters brings a boy home (or even if my wife does, for that matter). For now, though, it’s nice.

The only problem is that it doesn’t seem like we’re done. Does that make any sense? We’ll go some place as a family, and I’ll look around to see if everyone is there. I’ll count 4, but it seems like there’s one missing.

I don’t know how reliable this is. I felt this way when we had 3, too. Maybe I’d feel this way if we had 5, 6, 7, or any number. If the feeling won’t ever go away, then I’ve got to start ignoring it some time. Why not right now? It’s not like it’s up to me, anyway. And we’ve come so far and made so much progress with the babies that we’ve already got. Why start over with a new one?

Then there’s pregnancy. Not too easy on me, but much harder on her — harder each time because of the extra child to care for. When she got pregnant with our 3rd daughter, I was lucky enough to be able to take a year off. I wish I could do that again, but I just can’t. I spend a lot of time at work, so she would feel as though she were on her own much of the time.

An added complication comes from the fact that my wife is convinced that if we were to have a boy, then we’d have to give him a brother. This is exactly the kind of open ended commitment that men are taught to reject.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder why we even have babies. According to Darwin, it’s to perpetuate the species. But his reasoning is circular and I don’t care much for the species anyway. Sure, we’re commanded to have babies, but we’re also commanded to do our home teaching. It must really baffle economists that people still have babies long after the elimination of any economic incentive.

Babies do make us happy. Probably. Eventually. I think. But not in any very obvious way. They make us sad, angry, or anxious sometimes, too. And you can’t convince me that Americans lack the foresight to avoid credit card debt but submit to the grueling regimen of pregnancy and child rearing just for the long-term reward.

When I’m not wondering why we have babies, I usually think it’s about love. We love our children. Having more children brings more love into our lives. This is different from happiness. The utilitarians have this nonsensical desire to make everything about happiness. There’s nothing wrong with happiness. It’s just that we don’t love because it makes us happy to love. Love is no mere means to an end. We are supposed to love — commanded to love — because it is an end in-and-of itself. Even thoroughly miserable people have babies. And sometimes, our babies make us thoroughly miserable.

All 5

This love is what makes our home a sacred place quite independent of the messes, the laundry, and the clogged toilets. And it is what makes the notion of an eternal family one of profound significance. The celestial kingdom is not primarily about God’s love for us, but about our love for our family. There’s a woman out there who will always think of me as her little boy. This frightens most sane people, but she cherishes it. And there are four girls in my house (angelic beauties all), each one of whom will always be my little girl. With mixed feelings, I wonder: Should there be five?