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He says they’ve only argued five times. I recently stayed with a cousin who was given a bottle of wine at their wedding to drink on their first fight. The wine has rotted; they haven’t fought in 11 years. Yeah, I was happy for them but completely feeling inferior, to say the least! |
M&M – this is just a personal response – it’s not specifically aimed at you. It’s just my level of unbelief when I hear these kind of pronouncements (from time to time they even come over the pulpit at church). I don’t understand how a couple could be together for so long and say they never had a fight. Do they mean they never even had an argument or do they rather mean that they never actually started hitting each other? Are we to believe that they never once, in x number of years, even had a misunderstanding that led to one of them being upset at the other? It doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t sound human, normal or honest. Just my take on the whole subject. The “we only had five fights”, on the other hand, sounds like it might be possible. At least it shows they had a minimal occasion for disagreement – which should be expected in any relationship – marital/friendship/etc. |
i’m with danithew, but then i’m also a cynic who is a lot like annegb. if a relationship really continues on without so much as a disagreement, i feel sad for the passion both parties are missing out on. i’m the bossy one in our marriage, but as passionate as i get in arguing, i am just as passionate in how fiercely i love my husband. i laugh when i read about annegb and bill because it’s a wonder my husband hasn’t dropped me off at the curb. we joke that it’s because he can’t afford the child support, but the man has the patience of a saint. glad you’re healing and that the remodel has come together. isn’t it nice to meet nice people? |
On the fighting branch, it’s all semantics, isn’t it? If you define ‘fighting’ selectively enough, you, too, can not have been in a fight! |
This “never had an argument” claim seems to pop up from time to time in regard to David O. McKay and his wife. I’m sorry, but I absolutely cannot believe in such a thing among imperfect, mortal beings. Either (a) the claim is made with an incredibly narrow, hightened definition of “argument,” or (b) such a relationship involves emotional abuse, at least in the form of one partner overwhelmingly dominating the other. |
so, arlene i’ve heard that “it’s all the same God” line before. just can’t remember where… |
I propose a (c) to Nick’s list of possibilities: That both are extremely passive, non-confrontational people who don’t see the point in pursuing disagreements. Granted, I’ve known individual people who are like this (my dad, for one — that man is as even keeled as they come, it’s INSANE) but never a couple where both parties are that conflict-averse and/or easy going. I’m sure it’s possible, though. |
Nick, I think that you’re being overly pessimistic about the possibility of a couple never arguing. Let’s say I marry someone in exchange for cash so that they can get residency in the United States. In this case, we might rent a very large apartment that we share. We also might work different schedules, so that we’d never see each other. If each of us had our own bathrooms, closets, kitchen, and utility bills, and if nothing went wrong in the house that required splitting a bill between the two of us, then many years could pass without us arguing. |
Seth R. and his wife don’t fight. I think people who are very calm and easygoing probably don’t argue very much. Makakona, at my age, I would take less passion and more peace :). When I was younger, I would have been bored with an easygoing guy. This is the truth: the six months that Bill was anemic due to blood loss when he had an intestinal polyp clipped (and hemorrhaged a pint of blood), were the most peaceful of our marriage. We napped in the afternoon, it was lovely. |
Such cynical folk. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years (not long yes, but not insubstantial), and we still haven’t really had a fight (defining “fight” here as a serious disagreement coupled with anger). Our relationship is neither passionless (we are so much in love it makes me sick, and it has been labeled “movie love”), nor are we passive aggressive (we are both totally honest about things that are bothering us). No, we are just 2 peas in a pod-I have often said he is the male version of me. And we don’t fight because we agree on just about everything. |
Ah, our love doesn’t make “me” sick, it makes others sick. And you are right Anne, a lot of it is because we are so easygoing. We discuss our few differences, but really calmly. |
Having a disagreement isn’t a “fight.” We have had disagreements. We’ve even had disagreements that we never resolved to this day. I think we’ve actually “argued” three times – each instance involved one of us reprimanding the other for bad behavior, a defensive remark from the other, and then we both backed off and had a pleasant evening together. We’ve never had a fight though – i.e. never raised our voices against each other, never stormed off in frustration, never gotten really angry at each other, and certainly never used physical force. Does that clarify things enough? |
Yes, there are people who don’t fight and it has nothing to do with abuse. Quit projecting your own inadequacies people! There are also people who don’t fight, and it actually does involve an emotionally unhealthy relationship – such as one person doing all the submitting, etc. Both my wife and I are very stubborn personalities. But we are also both highly non-confrontational in person. We just don’t have a need to argue much. I also don’t feel any need for my wife to change anything about herself. I think she is fine as is. She largely feels the same way. What would we argue about? |
I didn’t catch the abuse reference. I watch other people closely and I know quite a few people who don’t fight. That is, they don’t lose it and call each other names and throw things, like Bill and I do. Well, I do all the name calling. I copy other people. So when I see others getting along, that is, not attacking each other, that is not fighting to me. Not disagreeing is something else entirely. I really hate fighting. So does Bill. |
PS, didn’t mean to offend you, Seth, I meant it as a compliment, truly. Let’s get back to AJ. Have any of you ever met anybody like that, somebody you learned unexpected lessons from, or enjoyed more than you thought you would at first? |
Sorry, the irritation wasn’t addressed to you Anne. |
Annegb: I thought you were giving up the Internet? |
LOL, yeah, this is me retiring :) No, I’m getting my DSL disconnected Monday. Till then, you guys get me. I’ll be checking in from the library. I’m in a rush to copy stuff from my favorites list, my personal blog, before I lose it all. In between blogging, that is. Doesn’t anybody have an AJ in their lives? I’ve got friends all over. Not to brag, it’s sort of a curse, but last night I was in RS, my friend, Cathy, the Relief Society president tried to trick me into coming by having me bring her mother-in-law, who I adore, anyway, I have a point. Uh, oh yeah, so I was sitting by a bunch of friends eating and we’re yakking and one of them said she’d heard on TV that people who have a lot of friends live longer and I, with my death wish, exclaimed, “Oh crap, I’m screwed. That’s it. I’m dumping all you guys.” Although as I get older, time really does go faster. I think I have about 20 more years on my body and the rate it’s going, it should pass in five years, which means I won’t be here for the second coming. Either way, I can’t wait for this whatever it’s supposed to be earth life experience to be over. I’m jacking my own thread :) |
And I must say, it’s going a lot faster now that I’m using “select all.” |
okay. Just don’t delete your blog. Leave it up. |
Please. |
:) Okie-Dokey. I will probably post on there once in awhile. Hey, here’s a really cool blog somebody recommended: http://www.invisiblegreen.com/ Very soothing. |
annegb that website “Rocks!” Thanks for sharing. ;) |
Well, my wife and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary, and I can honestly say that “We’ve never had a fight… “…That we haven’t managed to somehow get over.” I think that’s the key to a good marriage. No matter what happens, we try to get over it. MRKH |
Mark, by your terms, Bill and I aren’t doing so terribly. Thank you for that insight. I do still carry a grudge for many things Bill does, however, so we’re not entirely good. He hates that about me. I’ll bring up “you always” do this or that. “Remember November 1989 when you. . .” Irritable, easily annoyed ultra sensitive people probably fight more. |
You know, I saw this interesting piece on ABC News or something several years ago. The story featured couples who, many years ago, found that they just didn’t really like each other that much and certainly didn’t love each other anymore, but who, nonetheless decided to remain married. Both had come to terms with their dislike of the other, and now were pretty much in peaceful co-existence, enjoyed taking walks together, polite conversation, and the security of being committed to someone else. That’s an extreme example, but I guess the point is that it don’t need to be no bed of roses. |
I bought this really cool video and book about Project Everlasting http://www.projecteverlasting.com/ It’s about couples who are married for life. I loved them both. There is something incredibly noble about old people who are still committed and in love. I aspire to that. Here’s a wonderful quote from one of my favorite books (Patchwork Planet, by Anne Tyler): “A place in the world. How could I have thrown that away?” I think that’s true. But there has to be love. I didn’t love my second husband; nor he, me. We would have never reached that point of acceptance and peace. But I can see it coming for me and Bill. Sometimes I hope he dies first because I know he will be lost without me. Sometimes I hope he dies first because he drives me crazy. But most of the time, I just can’t wait till I’m out of here. Not so much suicidal anymore, just tired. |