I’d first intended to do a back and forth with Nick Literski re same sex marriage, then I dumped him for a more famous person (Carol Lyn Pearson) (I mean,  he’s probably thinking “what am I, chopped liver?), then I began to read her book and talk to her and realized that any back and forth would trivialize her opinions and most worthy book (”No More Goodbyes,  Circling the wagons around our gay loved ones”).

 Carol Lyn’s book resonates with compassion, deep spirituality and love for others.  It’s not a book one reads at one sitting (as I normally do).  It takes studying and pondering.  Frankly, I think she should get a Pulitzer, or some Mormon facsimile for her effort.  My copy is already pretty beat up, with dog ears, post-it’s sticking out all over, and marked up passages.  It’s that good.

Yesterday I tried to catch up on my Ensigns during Sunday School and Relief Society and I found an article by Jeffrey Holland on same sex attraction.    Maybe you guys have already seen it, but it was in October’s Ensign and I’m playing catch-up ball.

 I loved this exchange that he shared in the article:  

A pleasant young man in his early 20s sat across from me. He had an engaging smile, although he didn’t smile often during our talk. What drew me in was the pain in his eyes.

“I don’t know if I should remain a member of the Church,” he said. “I don’t think I’m worthy.”

“Why wouldn’t you be worthy?” I asked.

“I’m gay.”

I suppose he thought I would be startled. I wasn’t. “And … ?” I inquired.

A flicker of relief crossed his face as he sensed my continued interest. “I’m not attracted to women. I’m attracted to men. I’ve tried to ignore these feelings or change them, but …”

He sighed. “Why am I this way? The feelings are very real.”

I paused, then said, “I need a little more information before advising you. You see, same-gender attraction is not a sin, but acting on those feelings is—just as it would be with heterosexual feelings. Do you violate the law of chastity?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t.”

This time I was relieved. “Thank you for wanting to deal with this,” I said. “It takes courage to talk about it, and I honor you for keeping yourself clean.

“As for why you feel as you do, I can’t answer that question. A number of factors may be involved, and they can be as different as people are different. Some things, including the cause of your feelings, we may never know in this life. But knowing why you feel as you do isn’t as important as knowing you have not transgressed. If your life is in harmony with the commandments, then you are worthy to serve in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with the members, attend the temple, and receive all the blessings of the Savior’s Atonement.”

He sat up a little straighter. I continued, “You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you.

“What’s more, I love you. My Brethren among the General Authorities love you. I’m reminded of a comment President Boyd K. Packer made in speaking to those with same-gender attraction. ‘We do not reject you,’ he said. ‘… We cannot reject you, for you are the sons and daughters of God. We will not reject you, because we love you.’ ”1

We talked for another 30 minutes or so. Knowing I could not be a personal counselor to him, I directed him to his local priesthood leaders. Then we parted. I thought I detected a look of hope in his eyes that had not been there before. Although he yet faced challenges to work through—or simply endure—I had a feeling he would handle them well.

  I wonder where that young man is today, how he’s living, how much hope he really had as he left Elder Holland’s office. I believe it might have been fairly fleeting because that kid had to go out into the real world and face the gauntlet more commonly known as sacrament meeting.

1. Point for discussion:
I’ve noticed on-line discussions that touch on a homosexual’s worthiness to serve, if he or she keeps the commandments (I interpret this to mean, “remain celibate). I think Elder Holland puts that question to rest right here. I’ll go further and say I believe he’s saying that if a gay man (let’s use the gay guy I know) is promiscuous, breaks the law in various ways, and brings pain to the lives of their wife and kids, but later repents and remains celibate and obedient, that gay man is worthy to serve in any position in the church that a repentant heterosexual man is worthy to serve in—dare we say “bishop?

Going on, here are some excerpts from Carol Lyn’s book, which emphasizes embracing our homosexual loved ones, protecting them and loving them, no matter what level of celibacy they choose or do not choose to embrace and the things I’d like for us to discuss. (Please, guys, keep the discussion elevated and don’t attack one another in vulgar ways).

“My husband Gerald lived nad died in the great excess of the 1980’s when so many gay people behaved much like tipsy teenagers at their first all-nighter, unchaperoned even by good judgement.

For many of us, it is hard to fathom what we judge to be excessive and bizarre sexual behavior, such as having hundreds of relationships with anonymous partners, as some but not all, gay men and very few lesbians do.”

2. Point for discussion: I’ve wondered about the sheer numbers of sexual partners a homosexual (men?) will have in their lifetime and how they can establish a committed relationship when the grass is always greener. All objections to the contrary, it appears to me that homosexuals place greater emphasis on sex than most heterosexuals.

Carol Lyn tells of a boy named Stuart, who committed suicide leaving behind this gut-wrenching note, “I am free, I am no longer in pain, and I no longer hate msyelf……my life was actually killed long ago.”

Carol Lyn writes “Stuart’s bishop, with whom he had been counseling for months, aware of his suicidal thoughts, had pled with him. “Stuart, if this a choice betweent he Chruch and your life, choose your life!” How I wish Stuart had done that, had grabbed his soul and run for his life, out the chapel door never to look back. How I wish he had listened to the voice inside that surely witnessed to God’s unconditional love for him. But—of course—I know so well how that voice was silenced in childhood by the voices that came from outside, speaking with authority and spelling the conditions under which God’s love would be available.

She goes on to share a letter Stuart had written his cousin about the church’s support of an initiative banning same sex marriage in California, “. . .Straight members have absolutely no idea what it is like to grow up gay in this church. It is a life of constant torment, self-hatred, and internalized homophobia. . .the Church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their fingers pointed to their head in the form of a gun. . .They are afraid of their parents. They are afraid of their bishop. They are afraid of their friends.”

3. Point for discussion: I’m blown away by the wisdom of Stuart’s bishop and as a person who struggles with self hatred for different reasons, Stuart’s words of despair spoke to my soul. I don’t know what it feels like to be gay, but I know what it feels like to be “other” in a church that celebrates and worships perfection.

Carol Lyn’s book includes this sentence: “(It should not be necessary to mention that masturbation does not cause homosexuality; ask a few hundred heterosexual people).

4. Point for discussion: I never thought masturbation was that big of a deal. I figured all young boys did it and then they grew up and got married. I never did it, but some of my friends did and I simply didn’t understand their feeling of being an awful sinner because of it. I’ve heard the intellectual arguments and how it lead to porn addiction, etc., but I guess in my heart of hearts, I think it’s mostly a non-issue, not a big deal. And, frankly, if you’re going to be gay and celibate, it seems like the way to go. Maybe if you’re not gay, single and celibate, it’s better than the alternative.

On that shocking note, (I fully expect to have my face ripped off over that :)), I’ll conclude this post for now. I intend to finish this book and will be back from time to time to continue the discussion.

One more story: I have the coolest home teacher in the world. He’s so funny and honest and wise (I think he’s about 65). We were discussing Carol Lyn’s book the other night when he came with his companion to home teach us. We all expressed our complete lack of understanding as to how a same sex attraction could happen. Then he said something really cool, “Look, Bill, if you were suddenly told you couldn’t sleep with a woman and your natural attraction was to a woman and you were supposed to sleep with a man, you’d be grossed out. I think that’s how homosexuals feel about heterosexual sex. I’ve seen a lot of little boys who appeared homosexual from the beginning. They turned out indeed to be gay. I believe that if God sent them here like that—and that has to be the case, in my opinion, God has a way planned to work all this out.”

And I made my usual point that our task isn’t to understand, make sense of, or accept homosexuality. Our task is to love our neighbors and to treat those different from us in a Christ-like manner and they agreed and we all went to our safe little beds.

Carol Lyn’s wonderful warm tone, in person and in her writing, softens this subject and hopefully will lead us all to greater love and compassion.

Whatcha think, guys?