I’ve attended sacrament meeting only 4 times since March 12—the last time I went to church was, I believe, in June. I didn’t think of myself as inactive when I lived in Parowan because my church met at 1 pm, and I had to be at work on 1:30 on Sundays. An impossibility. I suppose I could have attended a different ward, but when I get off at 11 pm and don’t fall asleep until 1 or 2 AM, 9 am meetings are not an option in my night owl world.

That hasn’t been an excuse, it’s been practicality. You can make of it what you will :). I have continued to pay my tithing, do my visiting teaching, pray and study the scriptures. I did indulge in a couple of rebellious cups of coffee right after I left Bill, but did not, thank God, go so far as to have that cold beer I was craving in the heat of summer. I believe that I am far more spiritually active than many who haven’t missed a Sunday in the last 6 months.

However, it has dawned on me since I moved back into the ward, that I am indeed, inactive. Newcomers to the ward have no idea who I am and I suppose the Relief Society is making plans to fellowship me. I find that sort of amusing.

We have talked some on the bloggernacle about inactivity and how many who choose not to attend church or be active in the social sense feel their lives are better for it. I am now one of that persuasion. I feel a sense of amazement as I realize where I’ve come to and judge myself unworthy of the Celestial Kingdom since I’m vastly more comfortable without that huge “to-do” list that encompasses activity. I do what I need to do now and honestly feel more at peace than I have in years.

I have no one to measure up to in that sense. I’ve been able to heal and to rest from the debacle my ward became in the last few years and no longer have that monkey on my back telling me I’m falling short because I haven’t done twenty things today to serve and benefit the kingdom.

Which, of course, is contradictory and incongruent and makes no sense to me. I’m rolling with it for now. I should feel guilt or shame, but I don’t. I feel glad.