During my morning commute, I noticed an advertisement on the subway for some random Christian denomination. Obviously, the fact that I don’t remember the specifics of its name or affiliation indicates that they may want to revise their strategy; but I do remember that it used that C.S. Lewis powerhouse of the AP Top 25 Sacrament Meeting Quotes: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

Anyway, as I smiled mischievously to myself at this religious ad desperately trying to attract attention in a marketing heartland of a different sort – that is, ads proselytizing the adult / continuing education demographic – I had a vision of how they should modify their approach. Behold the next wave in missionary work:

Want to increase your Gifts of the Spirit in your spare time?

Get your spiritual life back on track with LDS-EXpress!

Introducing:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — Extension Stake for Adult Salvation

Never been baptized?

No problem! We offer a diverse selection of vicarious baptism packages starting at just $19.95 per sin! Already baptized elsewhere? LDS-EXpress accepts transfer baptism credit from most Immersion Accredited™ faiths. Authorize your repentance by calling the Home Teacher Hotline today!

Too busy to go to church on Sundays?

LDS-EXpress has no residency requirement! In fact, there are no traditional Sunday meetings. Listen to our online library of on-demand talks, testimonies, and musical numbers at work or in the comfort of your own home, or subscribe to our weekly Godcast® and receive four exclusive Family Home Evening messages a month absolutely free!*

Purchase Charity Credits™ for peace of mind!

Neutralize your contribution to global warming by hellfire through offsetting your sins with pre-packaged good works!

Actual church callings available!

Elevate your status in the eyes of men with genuine titles such as “Assistant [to the] Ward Employment Specialist,” “Alternate Member of the Elders Quorum Committee for Perfecting the Saints,” and “Sunday School President.”

Experience the thrill of obeying select commandments!

As always, all members of LDS-EXpress need only obey any five commandments of their choice and receive a lifetime exemption from the Word of Wisdom.**

Though the salvation offered isn’t the same as that available to regular, full-time members, extension affiliates receive a gift certificate to Chili’s, a balloon,*** and have the advantage of being able to drop the Church’s name in casual conversation — imagine how impressed St. Peter will be when you mention your participation at the Pearly Gates! In addition, the overzealous are eligible to upgrade to our Terrestrial Kingdom Now™ fast-track program at additional cost.

All of this for an annual tithing rate of only 17.5%!

Fill out and mail in the attached information card to receive a Book of Mormon (Penguin Classics), CTR ring, login information to the CULTural Hall, our exclusive online Stake Activity Forum, and the special edition Godcast® episode Sacrament Meeting — All-Time Greatest Hits, including “Starfish,” “Footprints,” and “I Found My Friend,” absolutely free!****

*Not recommended for use while driving or operating heavy machinery.

**Exemption does not include cola drinks or anything coffee flavored.

***This is a reference to an old Eric D. Snider column about UVSC, see here for more information.

****Offer not valid in Minnesota, the District of Columbia, or to direct descendents of Aaron.