Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » LDS-EXpress – Coming Soon to Mass Transit Ad Space Near You

By Orwell

Sep. 30th, 2008 at 3:06 pm

During my morning commute, I noticed an advertisement on the subway for some random Christian denomination. Obviously, the fact that I don’t remember the specifics of its name or affiliation indicates that they may want to revise their strategy; but I do remember that it used that C.S. Lewis powerhouse of the AP Top 25 Sacrament Meeting Quotes: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

Anyway, as I smiled mischievously to myself at this religious ad desperately trying to attract attention in a marketing heartland of a different sort – that is, ads proselytizing the adult / continuing education demographic – I had a vision of how they should modify their approach. Behold the next wave in missionary work:

Want to increase your Gifts of the Spirit in your spare time?

Get your spiritual life back on track with LDS-EXpress!

Introducing:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – Extension Stake for Adult Salvation

• Never been baptized?

No problem! We offer a diverse selection of vicarious baptism packages starting at just $19.95 per sin! Already baptized elsewhere? LDS-EXpress accepts transfer baptism credit from most Immersion Accredited™ faiths. Authorize your repentance by calling the Home Teacher Hotline today!

• Too busy to go to church on Sundays?

LDS-EXpress has no residency requirement! In fact, there are no traditional Sunday meetings. Listen to our online library of on-demand talks, testimonies, and musical numbers at work or in the comfort of your own home, or subscribe to our weekly Godcast® and receive four exclusive Family Home Evening messages a month absolutely free!*

• Purchase Charity Credits™ for peace of mind!

Neutralize your contribution to global warming by hellfire through offsetting your sins with pre-packaged good works!

• Actual church callings available!

Elevate your status in the eyes of men with genuine titles such as “Assistant [to the] Ward Employment Specialist,” “Alternate Member of the Elders Quorum Committee for Perfecting the Saints,” and “Sunday School President.”

• Experience the thrill of obeying select commandments!

As always, all members of LDS-EXpress need only obey any five commandments of their choice and receive a lifetime exemption from the Word of Wisdom.**

Though the salvation offered isn’t the same as that available to regular, full-time members, extension affiliates receive a gift certificate to Chili’s, a balloon,*** and have the advantage of being able to drop the Church’s name in casual conversation – imagine how impressed St. Peter will be when you mention your participation at the Pearly Gates! In addition, the overzealous are eligible to upgrade to our Terrestrial Kingdom Now™ fast-track program at additional cost.

• All of this for an annual tithing rate of only 17.5%!

Fill out and mail in the attached information card to receive a Book of Mormon (Penguin Classics), CTR ring, login information to the CULTural Hall, our exclusive online Stake Activity Forum, and the special edition Godcast® episode Sacrament Meeting – All-Time Greatest Hits, including “Starfish,” “Footprints,” and “I Found My Friend,” absolutely free!****

*Not recommended for use while driving or operating heavy machinery.

**Exemption does not include cola drinks or anything coffee flavored.

***This is a reference to an old Eric D. Snider column about UVSC, see here for more information.

****Offer not valid in Minnesota, the District of Columbia, or to direct descendents of Aaron.

1. Devyn S.

Tue, Sep. 30 @ 4:07pm

Now that is funny – thanks for the laugh. Is the tithing rate negotiable?

2. Orwell

Tue, Sep. 30 @ 8:43pm

Glad you like it! Nah, the tithing rate can’t be negotiable. Like so many diploma mills, the break you are getting on time and effort is offset by the prohibitive cost. If you have more time than money, may I suggest traditional membership? A lot more work, but definitely cheaper.

3. Tagore

Tue, Sep. 30 @ 10:20pm

Orwell, this is brilliant. But how will the Church deal with the in-fighting that will surely come when Extension Stake members go around posing as authentic LDS Church members? Will this cheapen authentic Church membership?

4. Jon W

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 1:43am

Hmm certainly have to negotiate on the the idea of no caffeinated drinks. Otherwise, I have been some of those callings. Ah the Redeeming the Dead committee, I know it well.

5. DKL

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 7:42am

ROTFLMAO. My favorite part: Real callings like “Alternate Member of the Elders Quorum Committee for Perfecting the Saints,” and “Sunday School President.”

6. Orwell

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 8:51am

Tagore: Well, obviously the whole draw of LDS-EXpress is the ability to masquerade as a full-fledged member. I’m not sure about in-fighting, though. Real members could spot an Extension member a mile away (that Penguin Classics Edition of the Book of Mormon is a dead giveaway). I’m sure a hierarchy or caste system would naturally evolve.

John W: No, there’s no prohibition against caffeinated drinks. Extension Members need to keep up the appearance of being Mormon, so cola drinks and anything coffee flavored are out (i.e. coffee-flavored jelly beans, even if it is with the bishop, Tagore), but caffeine is fine. There is no spirit of the law here. Besides, you’re missing the great loophole of the “any five commandments” clause. Just leave that “Thou shalt not bear false witness” off your list, and it makes it a lot easier to whitewash the sepulchre. (P.S. Devyn S., that’ll help you get over the tithing rate as well.)

7. Orwell

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 9:15am

Actually, Tagore, now that I think more about your question, it worries me even less. Illusions like this usually break down pretty quickly under the flimsiest of interrogations.

For example, I have a friend that used to work for the “State Department of Early Education and Care.” He thought this made him sound like a sissy, so he would routinely tell people that inquired about his employment that he worked for the “Department of Education.” He even went out of his way to avoid using official stationary, such was his aversion to his employer and their official logo (the Happle, I believe it was called, a Frakenstein monster of a thing, the result of unethical genetic experiments that created grotesque animal-plant hybrids).

Needless to say, he never fooled anyone that actually worked for the Department of Education. He didn’t fool many other people either, so porous was his web of lies.

8. annegb

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 9:36am

I’ve been clicking on some of those gospel channels and have noticed that they all ask for money. Maybe they consider that tithing, but it seems to commercialize God.

9. Tagore

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 11:04am

Orwell (7): Interesting. I wonder if this is also true of ward choir directors. I have a friend who has the Kim Jong Il of ward choir directors. He’s a self-proclaimed tyrant that actually refers to himself as “Dear Leader.” Clearly he’s an Extension Stake member that has infiltrated our ranks? Or is this an authentic LDS ward choir director exhibiting the “absolute power corrupts absolutely” axiom?

10. Bookslinger

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 1:23pm

Orwell, you have that marketing lingo down pat.

11. Bro. Jones

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 2:11pm

If LDS-EXpress will let me attend Sacrament Meeting online (i.e. websurf in another window while the talks go on in the background), then I fully support it. And if I could conduct Primary by instant messenger…

No, no. Just kidding. I think.

12. Orwell

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 2:20pm

Tagore: Your ward choir director sounds absolutely brilliant. Any choir director worth his or her salt knows that is the only way to get any results out of such a ragtag band of misfits (metaphorically speaking, of course). This isn’t a case of absolute power corrupting absolutely, but rather an instance of the cream rising to the top. So, no, not an extension member. Probably one of the 144,000, actually.

annegb, “commercializing God” hits the nail on the head.

DKL, in my own little world, I like to think that, for those few moments that you are rolling on the floor, you can have respite from that constant preoccupation with politics.

Bookslinger, I’ll take that as a compliment. Great to know I’ll have something to fall back on if supreme ruler of the earth doesn’t work out for me. Those two things dovetail rather nicely, don’t you think?

Bro. Jones: Of course you can surf in another window. Think Saturday sessions of General Conference. And, well, Primary, you can forget about that. The Perfecting the Saints Committee needs backup members.

13. Paroled from the Primary Presidency

Wed, Oct. 1 @ 4:09pm

Hey—I think Orwell has found the way to get my husband to become a card-carrying Mormon! Even though he’s opposed to tithing of any kind (and he thinks taking it as a tax write off works against the original sacrifice) he might be willing to acquiesce if he can play World of Warcraft while attending a virtual Sacrament Meeting. It’s much harder to disagree with the tenants of a religion when you’re only giving it about 3% of your attention.

And was Orwell insinuating that being “Sunday School President” will “elevate your status in the eyes of men”? Since when is this an elevation? Don’t people run from that calling like they do nursery leader? ; ) I’ve always maintained that serving in leadership positions basically mean you have more to learn than those humbly cleaning up after rug-rats every Sunday. If God is willing, I learned everything about humility that I needed to know by serving as RS President for 11 1/2 months. [Stay posted as I am sure I will now be extended a humility-driven calling any minute for this statement!]