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I think you could translate her statement into the sentiment that her greatest potential joy is currently out of reach for her. Obviously, not that life is meaningless without children, but if you had no hope you’d ever have children in this life or the next, wouldn’t that take the wind out of your sails? |
Or, you could interpret it to mean, “Life generally would be meaningless without someone having kids, somewhere.” There was a fun movie about this called Children of Men. |
sigma–If only I carried pass along cards! |
It was a delightful romp through post-apocalypse Britain. |
First of all, my heart aches for the people I know who do not have children, or cannot have children, and who feel like the pharmacist. I have had family members and close friends who have not been able to have children for various reasons. I would temper the pharmacist’s words to say that a childless life is not without meaning. Certainly our own eternal perspective should offer us a different perspective. But personally, I can say that my own life would be devoid of some of its meaning without my children. I’ve given up some interesting professional and personal opportunities because of my children (and make less money than I could), and I’d give them up again. That said, I can sometimes commiserate with a friend’s Facebook status that made a joke about vacationing in Nebraska… |
Good post. The way that I see it is this: If you don’t have kids, you can still enjoy life and find it meaningful, but you’re missing out. If you castrate a guy, he may still enjoy the company of women, but no matter how you cut it (no pun intended), he’s missing out. Without exception, every person I’ve ever met that is over the age of 45 who has no children has been a bit different from their parenting peers. There’s something about having newborns/babies/toddlers/young children smatter you with piss, poop, and vomit for years that tends to put your vanity into perspective. There’s something about hearing an innocent child proclaim your family’s private matters (or worse, inter-spousal comments that you thought were private) to all the world that cultivates a simple sense of humor. There’s something about having a baby/toddler/young child/teenager brake, mar, or destroy nearly every valuable object within reach that fosters a healthy amount of equanimity. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) there seems to be no real substitute for these experiences along the path of life. Dan Simmons’ book The Terror tells the story of a 19th century British naval expedition that gets stuck in the Arctic and runs out of supplies. Toward the end of the book, one protagonist has nearly frozen to death, but eventually learns to survive on his own (the way eskimos do) in the cold. Arctic natives bring him a bunch of items they had collected from a camp where many of his shipmates died, and it includes things like writing desks, silverware embossed with family seals, books, and chocolate. He asks himself, “What were we thinking, bringing all this sh*t up here to the Arctic?” Unless you started parenting at a very young age, when you raise kids, you grow up in ways that give you a lot of “What was I thinking?” moments when you consider what you were like before you had children, much like nearly freezing to death and learning the brutal lessons needed to survive in the Arctic cold. (Those who began parenting at the dawn of their adulthood probably don’t experience the contrast between adulthood-before-babies and adulthood-after-babies — a contrast that seems necessary for “what was I thinking?” moments related to the maturation and normalizing process generally brought on by parenting.) |
In fact, I am sure some of what such people accomplished could not have been done had they had kids. Oh, come now. Children aren’t *that* much of a burden. |
Being in the situation of struggling to start a family, and constantly wondering if this will ever happen for me, I can relate to your pharmacist. It is a struggle to know who you are as an LDS woman without being able to join the Mommy club. I have felt in the past as if my life was meaningless and that I could never be really happy. Then I was at the temple in an endowment session when I heard God’s instruction to Adam and Eve pre-children: “Go to, dress this garden, be happy, and have joy therein.” It is variation of what my mom always said, “bloom where planted.” So now, even though my longing for children is still there, I am focusing on dressing the garden I am in and being happy. Sometimes easier said then done, but it does bring some comfort. |
Maybe she was thinking “what a darling baby, oh, I hope I didn’t offend her by saying I haven’t had kids, and I want her to know I don’t disapprove.” You know, in this age of political correctness, we’re sometimes so careful we back ourselves right into a corner. I am one who thinks life might be very empty without children, especially for the elderly. Many of the elderly I know who never had children are very lonely and at a disadvantage when they need care; however, there are shining exceptions. On the other hand, I think of all those years they had of freedom and solitude and maybe I could put up with the emptiness. Honestly, if there weren’t a God and I could go back and start over, I’d never get married and have a hysterectomy when I was 20. Maybe live in a cave somewhere. |
And PS, ESO, I always love your posts, I wait for them |
DKL I loved your comment. I laughed, and I got teary at the same time. I agree there is something to living an adult life and then choosing to lose it all for something much, much more stressful; a better life with children. Then just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel you do it all over again. |
DKL, my life is currently scheduled to acquire meaning in January… the prospect makes me ask myself, “What was I thinking?” |
Perhaps I’ve shared this before, but I was kvetching to a woman at Bill’s company party who’s in her late 70’s, about how I worried about all my kids and grandkids and she said, “It only gets worse. At my age, I have so many people to worry about if I were a worrier that’s all I’d do.” And it made sense to me. So my life is either pretty full or really really stressful. You young kids, brace yourselves, 50 is right around the corner….and then there’s 70. |
I don’t believe any parent can give an unbiased answer to this question. Of course you think your children give a special meaning to life - how sad would it be if you didn’t?! As a single woman who would like to have children, but also realizes it’s entirely possible I won’t, I, likewise, cannot answer without bias when I respond that I absolutely believe I can live a life full of meaning without ever giving birth or raising my own children. |
Nicely said Catherine. |
Congratulations Orwelll! |
I am new and hope that I dont need to sign-up to comment. I am a single 45 year old Mormon male-happily not active the past 5 years. I can still choose either way on kids, and I thought my perspective might be worth something. 1. I was not comfortable with the generalized idea in LDS culture that childless meant less of something. That DOES NOT exist in the world at large, especially where people grew up with more diversity like Los Angeles or NYC. People are more “raised” to ideas of “family or not” than you might think. 2. The comment that some people might not have accomplished such and such if they had kids is EXTREMELY true. Its important to realize that some people deliberately embraced ideas and living outside of having children. I have met many, especially in the larger cities, who see family for themselves as a nightmare (as much as some LDS see the other a nightmare) and live LONG lives void of having kids, yet fully happy. 3. It took a lot of “space” from the culture (lived in Utah for 20 years, active LDS most of my life) to realize and see the beauty in someones choice not to have kids, or perhaps marry (on top of having meaningful relationships-which also do not require marriage) 4. However, the human being in the simplest and most basic of terms is natural to have sex and create offspring, busy and joy themselves with the next generation, etc. The single life is not for everyone, and I get lonely, but not because of not having kids or because I am not married. Ask divorved people with kids if marriage and kids were a prevent to loneliness-Better yet-lol-ask some married people with kids if they feel lonely at times-yes-incredibly. Well, I am being verbose, but I wanted to say that “keeping life interesting and exciting” takes work weather single or with family. Family “keeps it busy” but not necessarily exciting. “Bored housewife syndrome” I, will share my personal experience. I make my life exciting by making choices, working through stuff, and reaching out to new learning experiences, and from the TONS of opportunities available in life for ALL PEOPLE to move ahead. I think this entire perspective is completely aside from kids and marriage. I even think a lot of “I feel sorry for them prattle” comes not from people seeing the “other side of being a parent” but rather I think a lot of people “go around feeling sorry for other people” cuz it gives em sort of that Christian way of being compasionate. I am happy. Life is hard sometimes, but thats because life is hard sometimes, not because kids make life better. We get really caught up with ourselves and feeling for others (as we often do in naivity and with VERY limited understanding) is almost akin to “looking down at them” while thinking they are “different”. This applies to a LOT more than weather or not people have kids. You want a “fun one” Make a thread about recently divorced people in the LDS Church who suddenly werent invited to that neighborhood picnic for reasons never explained to them. HMMMM. |
[...] 2, 2009 A Mormon Mentality blog entry on life meaning caught my eye…more specifically, what someone said to ESO: “I [...] |