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Hilarious. Utterly without scruples, but hilarious. I have a story of a GA who, when visiting my mission, insisted on drinking an alcoholic drink, because he “knew” it was non-alcoholic. Not quite as funny as the above, but still, makes you laugh when these things occur. |
I need home teachers right away, Tagore, bring that cider on! We won’t tell Bill, he’s such a happy drunk. Or so I’m told. :) |
How many more will go inactive because of the new strategy? |
Tagore, The test will be next Sunday. Let us know if any of them show up. And let us know if the bishop calls you and asks ” Uh… what did you guys give those people?” Some people forget about the word-of-wisdom. There was a developmentally disabled man who forgot about tea, and brought bottled iced tea as a pot-luck pitch-in item to a singles dinner. Or maybe he thought that since it was “iced tea” it was okay. This was a couple years after his baptism. My specialty would be in how to get _out_ of home-teaching. Idea #1: If there’s a less-active family you don’t like to visit, take them a couple of tithing slips and tithing envelopes and present a lesson on tithing. Explain that you don’t have to be active in order to pay tithing. (Really, you don’t.) Each month you visit, take them a new slip and a new envelope. But make sure you NEVER ask them if they have actually paid tithing, only the bishop and stake pres is authorized to ask that. Teaching tithing is a perfectly acceptable gospel lesson. And since tithing slips are needed to pay tithing in an organized manner, and since they don’t go to church, you’re merely doing them a favor by dropping off the slips and envelopes. (By the way, why do you think they print the bishop’s name and home address on the tithing envelope?) After a while, the family will either tell you they don’t want home-teachers, or they’ll ask the bishop to send different home teachers. Now, if a miracle occcurs and they actually do pay tithing, I’m sure they’ll be blessed. So it’s a win-win situation. Idea #2: (Attempt to) Recruit the inactive men you home-teach to be your junior home-teaching companions. Request them to help you or accompany you in visiting some other people on your route. Use them when your regular junior comp is unavailable. Or ask them to accompany your regular junior companion. You don’t have to actually go along with them to supervise, but be aware of their activities. This is a way of multiplying your effectiveness. (Kind of like Tom Sawyer, getting other people to whitewash your fence and enjoy it.) If you home-teach any elderly widows or single sisters, tell the inactive man you home teach how lonely those elderly sisters are, and ask him and his wife if they’d be willing to visit them, just a as a Christian kindness to visit a lonely old lady. Also works if you have two inactive widows on your list. Tell sister “A” that sister “B” lives by herself and is lonely, and suggest she call. Tell sister “B” that sister “A” lives by herself and is lonely, and do you mind if I give her your number and say it’s okay for her to call you once in a while? Technically, two sisters calling each other won’t count as home-teaching stats (maybe as VT stats though), but if it makes them happy, it will be easier to home-teach them. |
Ha! This IS brilliant! I am one of those “less-active” types, and I tell you, if someone from church gifted me a bottle of anything alcoholic (even though I don’t drink), I would show up at church just to reward them for their unintentional hilarity. |
This is a great plan. I should try that with my hometeachees. |
I say we try this out at the ward Christmas party! We can invite those less actives and keep them there for the activity by just tossing in a few bottles of “cider” for their attendance. Who knows? Maybe they’ll come back for other activities… I think it would certainly increase the chances of my husband attending! BTW, Tagore, if you truly have not had the experience of imbibing with real alcohol, I can tell you the sparkling cider with zero alcohol content is definitely better*. A friend gave my husband and me a bottle of champagne as a wedding gift and after a few sips of what was supposed to be great champagne, we switched to the sparkling cold duck (my absolute favorite type of sparkilng cider) my parents had given us. Better taste and no headache later! *This opinon does not necessarily translate to hard liquor of which I don’t indulge but am a huge fan. I do occasionally miss the days of vodka tonics… Yum! |
The problem is that you let your wife check the alcohol content of the bottle. Next time, just don’t give any more to your kids and drink the rest yourself. |
Ignorance is bliss, huh, DKL? ;) |
Ooops. |
Paroled from the Primary Presidency: Ignorance is bliss, huh, DKL? I think it has more to do with plausible deniability…. |
Hilarious. Brilliant. Add to this preparing the sacrament with wine as Jesus did and all ward members will become happy and easy going. (Just don’t let the wife check the bottle again!) |
Tom Rod: Nice GA story! You could try all kinds of alcoholic beverages and get away with it using that line. annegb: We’ll be right over. queuno: Those who go inactive because of this new strategy are the weak ones, anyway. It’s a way of thinning the herd. Bookslinger: Good thinking. I’ve been trying for years to come up with some effective ways to get out of home teaching. Paroled: I know the ward activities chair (in both the literal and the Biblical sense), I think she’d be up for it. DKL: I know. In fact, I was planning to finish off the bottle later that night and was disappointed to find that my wife had dumped it down the sink. You shouldn’t intentionally bring alcohol into your home, but if it accidentally happens to be there, there’s no sense wasting it, right? Kind of an “ox in the mire” type scenario. Carlos: I agree. Some members could definitely benefit from some loosening up from some sacramental wine. |
well, we DO intentionally bring alcohol into our home, and i’m aware that not all of it cooks out, but we are comfortable with our use of it in cooking. that said… the last time i bought a bottle of red wine for a stew, i ran into the ward gossip at the grocery and she very pointedly eyed the bottle. rounded the corner and ran into the hpgl, who didn’t bat an eye. went home, made the stew, and started to feel tipsy halfway through my first bowl. i thought i was just being silly and told my husband, who admitted he was also feeling funny. it took a while for us to figure out what had happened, but when the stew was supposed to be cooking in the oven for 2.5 hours, i inadvertantly turned off the oven instead of the oven’s timer and so the wine, yeah. was still mostly there. we boiled the heck out of that pot afterward! lesson learned. it took me a while to be comfortable bringing alcohol into the house, i think especially because i’m a convert? also, three of my four grandparents were serious alcoholics, most of my husband’s family is alcoholic, and we’ve been down that route and don’t care to ever revisit it. i always used to use cooking wine until i realized it was still wine, just with a lot of salt added. now, tea, whoooooo. THAT is my vice. i’m first generation american and my family still has tea every afternoon. they have family ship it over and the smell is just intoxicating. i sometimes wish i could accidentally get a sip or two of even iced tea. herbal stuff just doesn’t compare to the good stuff. it’s so bad that the week before i received my endowment, i saw canned lipton iced tea on sale at the commissary. i stood in front of the display for what seemed like forever, trying to decide what to do. i REALLY wanted to buy some, drink it all, go tell the bishop, then never do it again. but i decided rationalizing it away beforehand was probably a bad sign. even worse is that it was over canned lipton crap and not anything really worth it. |
Tagor, I am so disappointed. Drinking alcohol (even in cider form) clearly goes against even President McKay’s relaxed eating-alcohol-standard of the Word of Wisdom. See Tagor’s Post of Dec. 11, 2007, Eating Coffee with the Bishop. Breaking a commandment, even in ignorance, is still sin. See Leviticus 5:17. Go, repent, and sin no more my friend. |
Tagore, since your wanton drunkenness is a direct result of home teaching… perhaps it constitutes a tender mercy of the Lord? |
I was thinking what a fun homemaking night we’d have if we spiked the punch. We’d really get to know one another. I can see the bishop coming and all the girls sitting sloppily on the floor sharing lives and laughing and somebody would be over in the corner bawling and I’d be patting them and giggling at the same time. Oh we would so bond. |
annegb – Let’s do it! I was not a loved RS President and I’m sure I would have been even less adored if I had enacted such a plan. But a little extra something in the punch could have been the answer to my prayers. Honestly, a little root beer flavored liquor is almost completely undetectable in a full glass of root beer. We could so make it work! On a related note, my older sister has always maintained that due to the number of children we typically have in our families (she has 7) that LDS women would be first in line for happy hour if it weren’t for the WofW. She’s never had a drink in her life (we walked different paths as youths) but is certain she would be a lush if given the opportunity. |
Orwell – All my VTing companion does for me is make my life difficult. I think it would be much easier to keep her as my companion if she was as charitable as Tagore’s! |
#18: “Honestly, a little root beer flavored liquor is almost completely undetectable in a full glass of root beer.” And you how this how? |
#20 Because I’ve lead a checkered past. Read higher up and you’ll see my loev of vodka tonics, too! |
#21: Gin and tonic, then it’s a Malaria treatment. |
Tagore, |
Wow, Tagore’s sister, that really puts that Wine Cycle post in perspective… |