[Author's Note: I'm not proud of this post. I started out intending to parody over-zealous Mormon ideas of modesty... but it veered too far off course into making fun of people. I may not agree with the philosophies behind the reasons many people wear things like this, but mocking them for it isn't fair or Christlike. So, though it was well intentioned, I am very embarrassed at how sexist it turned out to be. Good intentions don't make it less so.
Anyway, I'm not going to go all Ministry of Truth on you and delete it. No revisionist history. I take responsibility for it. But I do apologize for it and don't endorse its content.]
In light of the recent thread at BCC about the controversial topic of sunbathing in shorts and a tank top (inspired by this Daily Universe Letter to the Editor, no less — see here as well), let us all admonish the women of the church to take responsibility for the thoughts of men everywhere by choosing to wear only the following swimwear while sunbathing:
- Add style as well as haz-mat protection to your look the next time you go for a swim in Utah Lake withÂ The Burqini®. Obscure your assets further with a distracting CTR Shield™ or the phrase “Quick, think of a Hymn” silk-screened on the chest at no extra cost.
- Crystal E. Huyben founded Simply Modest Swimwear® after graduating from “home high school.” She encourages women to not be “a stumbling block to others.” Unfortunately, market research has not supported Ms. Huyben’s vision. Subjects in a double-blind study were found to perceive wearers of the Simply Modest line as 63% more “square” or “blocky” than women wearing conventional suits; and incidence of “stumbling” over Simply Modest customers increased threefold due to an unexpected “invisibility” collateral effect in subjects with only one X chromosome. The Defense Department is exploring military applications.
- And, last but not least, the Burqini®, Jumper Edition, manufactured exclusively for BYU Women’s Conference. The special Impervious™ jumper shell is woven from patented nanotube lead fibers, ensuring that even Superman won’t be able to tell what color of underwear you are wearing (because if you are wearing this swimsuit, you are probably wearing underwear too). For obvious reasons, the Man of Steel is the last guy you want to transform into a sexual predator with your wanton ways.