Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People

By Devyn S.

Jul. 17th, 2009 at 8:44 am

Five years ago, my wife and I had two Haitian teenagers live with us for two years as foster children or as we called it – godchildren and they called us godparents. They were siblings with the boy being 16 and the girl 14 at the time. We made every attempt to treat them as our kids and looking back on the experience 5 years later we still have a great relationship with them and still view them as part of our family. However, it was not an an easy experience for any of us, but that is a story for another day. As my wife and I got to know the foster care system it was rather depressing.

When we were approached about becoming foster parents we were told we had to have a home visit to make sure our house was appropriate. The person came and said they were kind of embarrassed because she was supposed to open our fridge to make sure it worked, turn on the stove, try the faucets, flush the toilets, etc. She also had a measuring tape to measure whether the bedrooms allowed something like 12 square feet per kid. I was amazed and shocked as I had no idea that they would have to go to this level to qualify foster homes. She said that I would be amazed at how bad some of the places are where people want to be foster parents. It was clear that for many people, this was a way to get income. On the bright side, we met many wonderful and committed foster parents which made up for the terrible ones we also met. The social workers were either young and energetic and willing to “save the world” – of course they tended to burn out quickly or older and jaded and just punching the clock. I don’t blame them as after seeing the entire system, I was jaded after just a short peek at it. Our social worker told us that our “son” was the only teenage male she knew of in foster care who had not been arrested. So clearly the system is failing on multiple fronts. I don’t know what the solution is as we were so burned out after two years of exposure to the system. What is sad is that hundreds of thousands of kids enter this system and few make it out as productive adults.

1. Hunter

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 11:26am

As difficult as the foster system is, I believe it’s an improvement on the alternative: group homes, or even orphanages. In a foster home, the opportunity for bonding with a family (sometimes leading to adoption) are greater. In a more intimate setting comes also the chance to interact with people, and to learn life skills. Along with the horror stories, I think we all know (of) foster parents who do a fantastic job. So, whenever I see or hear of foster parents who seem interested in only milking the system, I cringe, but then I have to remind myself that it’s an imperfect world we live in, and this foster system is probably better than the alternative.

Cynical? Maybe.

2. queuno

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 12:10pm

DW and I knew a family in American Fork, that was basically living off the money that they received from the state to care for 5-6 foster children. It wasn’t a good situation.

On the flip side, my brother’s family are signed up to be a foster family. They’ve got four other children at home and I’m pretty sure they’d do it for free. They’ve had one infant placed with them so far, but now the baby is with other family.

3. Keri Brooks

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 12:17pm

Bless you. I’ve had six cousins join my family through the foster system. There are so many children in need.

I’m not yet in a position to be a foster parent, since I’m still in school and struggling to make ends meet, but it’s something I plan to do when I’m financially stable. I’m not married, so I know it will probably be difficult to convince the system that I’m qualified and capable, but it’s something I feel strongly about wanting to do.

4. annegb

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 12:26pm

I was in foster care, my little sister went in at the age of 10 and essentially was raised in foster care. These were Mormon homes. One was a nightmare of abuse and if I ever see that woman again, God help her.

The problem I see is that few good people, good homes, like yours Devyn, volunteer for foster care. I also believe that being a foster parent highlights all that is dysfunctional about your family, so if you’re not strong to begin with, you’re toast.

Which is only one reason we’ve never had foster children. I keep thinking we should, but it scares the crap out of me because I know how screwed up the kids are. Since I messed up my own kids, I would be just petrified to take on other children. But then I think…we have room, we have a wonderful backyard with a tramp, we have wonderful dogs, Bill would have a fishing buddy, I don’t know.

Odd that I only think about taking an adolescent boy. Probably because of my spectacular failure with James.

I applaud you, Devyn. I’ve seen really good foster care in Utah; no horror stories to speak of here.

And Hunter’s right, what’s the alternative? A lady I work with was telling me she would quit her job if she gets approved for foster care because that would be her income. I didn’t say much, just looked at her. She seems nice, but doing it for income doesn’t seem right to me.

5. Devyn S.

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 12:58pm

1. Hunter – thanks. I would be interested to see in outcomes whether foster care is truly beter than group homes or orphanages. I have no idea, but here in Massachusetts the bar for foster care is very low. As I mentioned in the post, I am cynical about the system as the negatives seemed to outweigh positives 5:1

2. queuno – I have seen way too many of the former and very few like your brother. I think that ones like your brother usually burn out quickly unfortunately.

3. Keri Brooks – Good for you. I wish you the best of luck

4. annegb – I think you would be marvelous at it. I think you highlighted the largest problem though – not enough good foster homes – basically people who will do it in spite of the money.

6. E

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 2:57pm

I dunno, I can see the possibility that for some children, a group home or orphanage might be preferable, especially if they need to stay with siblings or are not likely to be in the system for long.

7. queuno

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 6:03pm

Devyn – There are some other circumstances and timing in play which have led my brother’s family to agree to do it (death of a child and the circumstances surrounding it). I don’t know if they’ll be doing it 5 years from now, but I know that the very limited experience they’ve had with it was cathartic and rewarding.

I just know I couldn’t do it. I have a really hard time with children not my own.

8. queuno

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 6:05pm

The bad case I’ve seen firsthand (Utah County), was a case that the children still liked living with the foster family, despite the emotional abuse I witnessed (and physical in my opinion, but the authorities that we called anonymously — and who investigated — obviously didn’t find any evidence).

9. BrianJ

Fri, Jul 17, 2009 @ 8:03pm

Some of you may have visited the “Bloggernacle-related” blog LDS & Evangelical Conversations and will appreciate this foster parenting post there.

10. annegb

Sat, Jul 18, 2009 @ 12:31pm

No, Devyn, I am too controlling and have such a bad temper. I’d be too afraid of making more regrets.

Plus it would be really hard to let them go…I’d probably adopt them and they’d be another part of my huge dysfunctional messy life. I’m trying to get away from mess.

I never wanted a “family.” I had one in my sisters and I was boss of the world at 16.

Nobody say nothing.

11. adellasimmons

Wed, Nov 18, 2009 @ 4:00pm

My name is adella simmons i have lost 2 chilren to the state of utah to a mormon coulple and it has been devistating to me becouse theirs no contact order but its so hard for my daughter selena becouse she wants to be in their lives Ido to but what can I do I love my children no matter whare they are.