Warning: this post is written with the intention of being as inflammatory as possible.

If you have ever been in a well-matched fistfight, you probably understand the cycle of anger leading to the fight, followed by aggression and fury during the fight, followed by physical exhaustion that leads to a feeling of respect and positive feelings for the opponent you hated just a few minutes ago. This cycle does not just work on an interpersonal level; some of America’s closest allies are countries we have fought very hard in the past, while among countries we have not fought, there are a lot of examples of simmering anger that has never reached any kind of resolution.
Where we have not seen the benefits of all-out fighting in resolving differences and removing hatred is in partisan politics in the U.S. That, my friends may be about to change. With the news that unions are asking members to go and counter the influence of tea party protesters at town hall meetings throughout the country, we may actually see partisan politics blow up into well-matched fistfighting, followed by physical exhaustion and feelings of respect and love facilitated by fistfight endorphines. I welcome this, but I don’t think town hall forums have the right scale to resolve our partisan snarling and bickering.

What I am proposing is not an “Octagon for partisans” because I don’t think that has the right scale either. I would rather see the Great Fight take place with a Stadium of Rage model, where tens of thousands of partisans could get together in stadiums throughout the country and rumble until their endorphines bring about the exhausted harmony we all long to see.
This begs the questions: who would win these fights? For example, who would in a fight between a typical conservative male and a typical liberal male?

Typical Conservative Redneck Guy Versus L'homme Jean Kerri

I think the liberal men would get their butts kicked all over the place, unless they could run away until the beer-and-chicken-wing-bellied conservative men got exhausted from the chase. If the liberal men could tire out the conservative men with a chase, they could then run up on those good ol’ boys and slapfight them into submission.
What about the women? Could typical conservative women hold their own against the fiery, gym rat, natural-food-and-hiking liberal women?

Typical Conservative Woman
Typical Liberal Woman

Not a chance. Liberal women would clobber conservative women, even if greatly outnumbered.

Another model would be to have each side select a champion, or a series of champions, who could fight on behalf of the partisan masses. This would allow for the long-awaited catfight between Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly to come to pass. I would also like to select DKL to fight Ward “I self-identify as Native American” Churchill, and perhaps the headlining feature bout could be between Sarah Palin and Michael Moore. Ultimately, though, conservative and liberal partisans want to see a decisive ideological victory, and the only way to achieve that is if the gods of contemporary conservatism and the gods of contemporary liberalism come to battle:

John Wayne, Co-God of Contemporary Conservatism

Ricky Bobby, Co-God of Contemporary Conservatism

Versus Che Guevara, the Brutal, Moralistic God of Liberalism Past and Present

Can Che hold his own against the Co-Gods of contemporary conservatism in a battle of the gods? I hope not, because if Che were defeated, that would prompt hollywood stars and suburban trust fund brats everywhere to throw away their annoying Che t-shirts. That factor alone is enough to make me want to see a victory for the conservative Co-Gods.

If Barack Obama is as smart as I think he is (very smart), he will rethink his rhetoric of post-partisanship, and save it until after the brawls are over and the Gods have finished their decisive battle. Those of us who are tired of the catty, childish, dishonest, petty, nasty bickering of our partisans should pray for a hastening of the day of the Great Fight.