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| Wednesday, June 19, 2013 |
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Setting aside momentarily the main question you asked, let me just say that the thought of a child going from bright and involved to anti-social and possibly involved in drugs all because of something as arbitrary and uncontrollable as a boundary change sends frissons of fear up this parent’s spine. Aggggh!! As to the question, I think you are to be commended for even being concerned about the concept of boundaries, period. Too often private matters get freely shared (even in a true spirit of love) and pretty soon everyone in the Ward knows about the situation. And that’s not fair to the person in need. In this case, since the credible allegation of drugs was involved, and this involved the physical safety of the kid, this is a somewhat easy case. I don’t think what you did was controversial, really. In areas of lack of church activity, dropping out of Seminary, hanging out with a rough group of kids, wearing inappropriate clothing, etc., those are grayer areas, and the answer is less obvious. I’m curious to see how others frame the issue. |
I am in no way questioning the kid’s behavior — but can this really result from a boundary change and not seeing his church friends at school? I would assume that if he’s coming to seminary and YM, he would still see his friends. Is he not involved in any activities with his old friend? What sports/activities is he involved in at the new school? I know boundary changes are hard — but in four months he goes off the deep end? Wow. There’s something I’m not seeing here. I agree with Hunter — the alleged drug use justifies getting the bishop involved. |
I think, that as a general rule, bishops should get involved in (a) matters that impact membership in the Church and adherence to standards or the risk of a lost testimony There are a lot of “minor” issues that the bishop shouldn’t be bothered with. A kid doesn’t want to go to a particular activity, not a big problem. A kid missing YM/YW for months on end, problem (maybe). Family going to lose their house, problem. Family doesn’t have air conditioning, maybe not a problem. Bishop going to a child directly to ask about drug use without going through the parents, I might have a problem with that… (IANA Bishop. So take my stance with a grain of salt.) |
I never thought of involvement of the bishop with his ward’s youth as something to be reserved for special circumstances. Taking the drug concerns out of it, since that is a hot issue for many, I’m at a loss why a young men’s president would keep the bishop out of the loop that one of the young men is experiencing difficulties. |
I wouldn’t get a bishop involved without talking to the boy about it myself. That seems to be a violation of trust. If there are rumors going around about drug use, then he deserves to be confronted by those rumors rather than have leaders with whom he has built personal relationships talking about him without his knowledge. I would go to him first and say, ‘This is what I’ve heard. Let’s talk about it. I’m worried about you, and because of that I’m going to talk to the bishop about it and see if he can help out.’ |
Queno, yes the things you cite can bring a drastic change, especially in boys. And ESO, you did the exact right thing. Now just keep loving him :) |
I’m with John. Shouldn’t the bishop be up-to-date on each of the youth anyway? In our ward the bishop knows a LOT of what is going on in the individual lives of each of the youth. In fact, there was a period of about 6 months when I was in the bishopric in which probably 75% of bishopric meeting time was spent discussing the youth (to the detriment of the rest of the ward). To the point that it got really frustrating, especially considering the fact that we have less than 10 youth in our ward. |
…er, fewer than 10 youth. |
Sandra and I spent 20 years raising teenagers (our youngest is now 24). One of the more horrifying realizations I had somewhere in the middle of that period was how easy it was for our kids to make poor decisions that would impact their lives for years or even decades before they had the judgment to realize that this is what would happen. And, yes, queuno, Anne is exactly right: major life redirections can hinge on remarkably little things. A great book to read on this is “Reviving Ophelia” by Mary Pipher (it focuses exclusively on young women, but is still applicable). On the general case — I would probably let the parents know I was going to approach the bishop. But I would take steps. ..bruce.. |
Reviving Ophelia is a great book. It broke my heart because I could track when my beautiful Jessie got lost. I feel so badly about that. I wish there was something about boys in that vein. I think boys who move are more apt to encounter bullying and feel very alienated and more prone to use drugs for self medication. My personal belief is that bullying is worse on boys because it affects the way they see themselves in terms of masculinity. A girl can be disliked and bullied but she can cry about it. That boy who killed his peers in Oregon or Washington after he moved and was bullied–I can’t remember his name but his face haunts me. |
It just dawned on me that this is really a bbell post. And bbell and I live in the same school district. Depending on the switch of high schools, yeah, I can see how someone could go down the tubes in 4 months… (I know lots of people in some of the wards who have already sold their houses and moved to different parts of the district to get the high school they want, looking 3-4 years ahead.) |
(Not that I think that any of the four high schools in our district are particularly better or worse than the others. But I know some people are bitterly opposed to their kids attending some of the high schools, based on where they live.) |
I’m not sure this was a school boundary change or a church boundary change, but I know that ward boundary changes suck. Threw my kid for a loop. We let him switch seminary class so he’d be back with the kids from the old ward (it was his idea, and he was willing to get up a half-hour earlier). It still took a while for him to get it together again. I DESPISE WARD BOUNDARY CHANGES. |
I would like to think that uncharacteristic inactivity of a formerly engaged youth would catch the Bishop’s attention enough that he would have involved himself with the kid or the family on his own. Is that naive? I have always been under the impression that the youth were the Bishops’ number one priority, and therefore that he would have noticed this on his own. But generally, I think this kind of involvement–inserting self into a family or individual’s private life–needs to be done by invitation or inspiration. What would seem like loving interest for one circumstance could be viewed as unbearable by other people in the same circumstance. |
Update: He came last night to Wed night activities after I persuaded his Mom to relent on his grounding for the night and seemed to enjoy himself. He seemed like the old him a little bit more. Qeueno had a question about HS boundary changes affecting somebody so bad if this is possible. Yes its possible. Change in friends, schools, and wards can have a impact on teenagers really quick. I always watch YM closely that have moved in. Often they struggle with new surroundings. A couple of non-positive friends and boom you can have trouble quick. ESO, Our bishop was already wondering if there was reason to intervene when I went to talk to him about this. Your point is well taken. This kind of action can really backfire. I think its been a decade since the last time I actually intervened like this. This particluar kid has a good relationship with both the Bishop and I esp after we taught him how to shoot guns. |
I think “intervention” is generally too late because it becomes very painful for change to take place. And so often when kids are pushed, they push back just as hard. A good bishop is involved from the moment he becomes bishop. |
LOL bbell–some of us city slickers might think depressed (possibly drug abusing) kids + guns = trouble, but I am sure you did so under inspiration. |
bbell – Now I’m wondering what the HS switch was. I know I can eliminate 1 high school out of the four entirely, but I’m wondering where he started and where he ended up. What’s the seminary situation like? I was under impression the seminaries were structured in the local states so that kids attended seminary with the kids they went to school with (as opposed to the ward). [I base that off where kids went before the ward reorganizations in our stake last year.] (You can email me privately if you prefer – queuno at gmail) |
I DESPISE WARD BOUNDARY CHANGES. So does everyone else … but when there isn’t physical space for people to meet in a building, sometimes you don’t have any choice. In this case, it was a high school boundary change to accommodate a new high school, but we should recognize that the same factors that forced the school district to open a new high school are also the same factors that cause wards to grow past any conceivable standard of manageability… |
If you don’t think a boundary change can have a devastating effect on a young man or a young woman you are really sheltered. Such a change can be devastating. We know of an instance where the young man in question has a non-member father. While the father has always been willing to let his son go to the LDS church, he cannot fathom why his son can’t go to the church (ward) where all his friends go. What other church would say you can go here but you can’t go anywhere else? |
When our family moved during my son’s high school years, he was thrown for a loop. He took it much harder than his sister’s did. He struggled to find friends in school and didn’t click with the boys in our ward. He experimented with smoking and hanging out with the rough crowd. We knew something was up, but hadn’t had any direct evidence of misdeeds. By sheer dumb luck a kid from church mentioned to me that she saw my son smoking before school. I started calling other parents in the ward to see if their children knew anything and it turns out the bishop’s kids not only knew about my son’s choice of friends, but they sat the dinner table as a family and discussed it! The same for the Stake RS pres. and Stake YM pres.(also in our ward). I was so mad that “everyone” knew my son was smoking and no one told me. It was so sad. It took me a while to forgive the other parents, including the bishop and his wife. After we dealt with the situation (subject for another post), our son did meet with the Bishop for his annual b-day interview. The bishop told my son that he had nothing to add because he knew we parents had taken care of the situation. Even that was annoying because the bishop never talked to us and really had no clue what we did/were doing. |
Interesting question and my answer would be depends: worthiness issues probably should be handled/addressed soon so they don’t escalate. That’s the Bishop’s proper role. Life coaching issues are another matter. Some Bishop’s are full of good advice and some aren’t. Their personal advice, however, is often incorrectly cloaked with a patina of Church authority and a youth, and even adults, may be tempted to place a lot of faith in what turns out to be nothing more than the well intentioned, sincere opinion of Brother X-who-also-happens-to-be-the-Bishop and associate that advice as official Church policy when it’s not. What’s worse is when the advice of a Bishop is different from the kid’s parents advice. Take a silly, mundane example: Facebook. Our current Bishop rails against Facebook and threatened to regularly interview the youth about whether they have a FB and Myspace page or not. As parents we’ve allowed our kids to have FB pages. Our kids are constantly on their FB pages via computer, cell phone, my Blackberry etc. Our Bishop’s strange jihad against FB puts me in the position of openly disregarding the Bishop’s counsel with impresionable teenagers. Of course, it provides a good teaching opportunity to help my kids distinguish between the Bishop as the Bishop and the Bishop as a very concerned parent trying his best to also encourage kids in the ward to be safe from harm. Don’t know that I would send any of my kids to our current Bishop for “life coaching” advice such as college or career, but they will have to go through him for temple recommends and their mission paperwork and I have no qualms whatsoever about that. |
New school/new friends These are the signs of the possible onset of clinical depression- which may have no “cause” at all, other than a shifting balance of chemicals in the brain. Yes, YM should see the Bishop, but maybe see a physician as well. |
#21 If all your son ever does is smoke then you should be congratulated on your success. #23 Thank you for your insightful and wise comment. After having been in the YM program for 8 years in every ward we’ve lived, I’ve found it is frequently a sign of trouble at home when a young man starts “wandering”. Not always mind you but its easy to pick out the boys that have the cards stacked against them once you get to know their parents. Its so frustrating to watch that scene unfold. I am in no way saying that it is always the fault of the parent, Lehi had some nasty sons and he seems like a good guy, but it bothers me that as soon as one of the youth starts down that path we blame the external world and never seem to look in the mirror. |
I meant to say “I am in no way saying that it is ALWAYS the fault of the parent…” ~sorry |
I’m wondering how much of what you reported to the bishop came as a surprise to him? Since the bishop is the president of the Aaronic PH, they are among his top concerns. He’s fortunate to have a YM leader like you to help him keep track. P |
#24: If a child chooses to smoke or not is not a sign of a parent’s success as a parent. P |
What other church would say you can go here but you can’t go anywhere else? A church that relies on populist teachings. |
- New school/new friends A church – this is new life |
mangstab |
