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| Monday, May 20, 2013 |
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I suspect we are all guilty to some extent of judging the members by their covers. I have, for quite while, benefited from this. My cover is pretty orthodox. Lifetime member, pioneer, heritage, RM, wife and mother, etc etc. Because of this orthodoxy, I believe, I have been well-used in my wards; I am perceived as reliable, stable, and generally untroublesome. I dread being unstripped, so to speak, to be perceived as someone more suspect and less useful. I think that is one of the social blows that befalls members who, for example, become unemployed or divorced or even sick; while they are undergoing a significant stress in another aspect of their life (employers finding them unfit, spouses finding them undesirable, their own bodies turning against them, etc) their Church family also rejects them by putting them in less prominent callings or not having them serve at all. I am sure there are those for whom a release from RS president while undergoing chemo would be a welcome respite, but there are others for whom it would be another blow to their sense of self. Anyway, I wonder how guilty I have been of relegating people to specific types in my ward and mind. Granted, I have not been in many positions where I am making callings, but, I wonder if I have been guilty of socially dismissing people. I am sure I have. I am generally not very good with sociality and I hope I have not caused great pain. |
Great post. There was a guy in our ward who had a bunch of very nutty, black-helicopter-type conspiracy theories. He was marginalized to the extent that he wasn’t allowed to attend gospel essentials class, because the weirdness of his contributions was too severe and gave the wrong impression to investigators. So he sat in gospel doctrine class, where he would raise his hand and the teacher would politely call on him and politely try to keep him from filibustering and then politely move on. Then we got a new gospel doctrine teacher, and she was able to actually engage him and make his left-field contributions into home-runs. Then, when he died, she spoke in class, with tears in her eyes, about how she would miss him, that he always had a lot of questions, and that where he is now he’ll be able to find the answer to some of them. That was a real lesson for me. |
There’s a guy in our ward who misses a lot of social cues and is loud, says what he thinks, etc. But, he is able to make more hometeaching appointments than most of the other men in the ward simply b/c he doesn’t realize that there might be a problem with “Brother so-and-so who’s been inactive for awhile” and so he doesn’t try to tiptoe around anything and err on the side of being too careful. |
What we call service in the church is overwhelmingly two things, teaching and leadership, and with those who aren’t cut out for either, we don’t seen to know what to do with them. Being someone who manages to get in homes of many inactives, like JES mentioned, ought to count for a lot, but it usually doesn’t. My father was baptized when he was 59 and was never super active, but he liked going with his home teaching companion to check on families. After retirement, he was asked to put in a few days a week at the bishops’ storehouse, and he filled that call faithfully for a few years. If our work in the church involved more doing and less talking, how to use every member would be less of an issue. |
In a way, I’m one of those people. I think I make people nervous—including Bill, because you never know (heck, even I never know) what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’ve defended Democrats, alleged racism, and ripped into teachers for dissing on Lot’s wife. Oh and I will never cease to object to our stake’s policy of forbidding women to open a meeting in prayer. I’ve been judged for leaving Bill and all the craziness of the last few years. And I do feel kind of bad about it. I feel even worse for Bill, because I think he pays the price for his crazy wife in being overlooked for leadership callings. You’re not supposed to want those, and hell, I don’t but I think it must hurt his feelings a bit. But there are different kinds of marginal. A lot of the people like you describe in our ward earn their marginal. DKL’s wonderful example aside, many of the people in my ward who fit in this category would be voted off the island immediately. It’s not about their differentness, it’s about their dogged refusal to realize there are other people in the world. Speaking of those people in my ward, they’re not these diamonds in the rough who care about others and would serve in a magnificently Christian manner, given the chance. They’re ignorantly set on their own crazy aggrandisement and they gum up everything they’re asked to do in the interest of their eccentricity. The depressed, truly marginalized, like myself, serve well when asked, and are missed and will probably be smacked good and hard by God when we die, but I think we get a bad rap. On the other hand, I’m glad to be ignored for the moment. Like I said, there are different kinds of marginal. Under-achievers, truly selfishly crazy…. Well this was a rant. I don’t even know what my own point is. |
On the one hand, I agree with anne. I was in a branch with a brother who would stand up in testimony meeting every month and call us all to repentance. The BP usually let him go for 15-20 min. before asking him to sit down. In another ward, a brother would call people to repentance – but to their face. He would also say 10-15 minute “rameumptom style” prayers. Local leaders seem to be shy about giving direction on what is appropriate to say publicly – and I get that – you want people to speak from their heart – you don’t want them afraid to express their feelings. But there is a line to be drawn and some people need to be taught where to draw it – even if it offends them. On the other hand, there is a lot of unnecessary fear about what people will say in a meeting. People being honest about their doubts and questions is a great way for a community to grow and learn together. The more we challenge our ideas and assumptions – the better. |
This by-my-judgement “crazy” lady in our ward makes everyone uncomfortable because she goes around every Sunday before church and shakes everyone’s hand. I think that’s damn rude and it makes my skin crawl. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s calling attention to yourself in a demanding way that doesn’t allow anyone a choice. But I agree with you about the more we challenge our assumptions. Boy, so true. |
I’ve been hoping for most of my adult life to be put on the backburner. So far, the best I’ve been able to do is to get put in primary, which is good enough. |
@5 your stake won’t let women say an opening prayer? that’s not doctrinal. show me that in the GHI |
#5 “Oh and I will never cease to object to our stake’s policy of forbidding women to open a meeting in prayer.” I wouldn’t either, that is creepy. I’m one of those marginalized people, I often wonder if I have done it to myself or if its a mutual thing…Part of the problem may be that I’m an artist, art professor, Democrat, and do my best to not live a dual life (i.e. public face/private face) although it may just be a personality clash. I have found that my friends in the Church (and they are few and far between) who project an “everything is fine” smile even when its not have been called into leadership positions and are consistently held up as examples of a “good mormon”. So I feel marginalized and I’ll admit that it increases my sense of loneliness. I usually feel very isolated after sunday meetings and have often felt that it was a shame to feel that way in the middle of sacrament meeting surrounded by “brothers and sisters”. Anyway not trying to get sympathy, just found this to be an interesting topic and thought I’d chime in. Its been my hope for a long time that the culture of the Church would change to embrace the diversity of opinions and lifestyles and cultural backgrounds of its membership but unfortunately I feel its slow in coming. |
You’re right, FDSA, I staged a minor revolution once when I insisted on giving the opening prayer–not for the principe but because I’m afraid to pray in public and I like to get it over with. The bishopric counselor bet me that if he found it in the handbook, Ikd give the closing. I gave the opening prayer that day, but it sure made some men mad. No lie. Greg, you could do what I do and throw a big fit about the racist policies of the church in Sunday School. Or you could become selfishly weird like the lady in my ward. Start defending Obama and Hilary Clinton and Harry Reid. That should do it LOL. |
where do you live again? tell SLC that kind of nonsense is still happening. |
Well, all I can say is “I was just excommunicted from the LDS Church, after 19 years as a member” it was very hard; We call Mormonisom the restoration of the teachings of Christ; and everything that Christ taught was: “Love your neighbor, do unto others, Love God and His children,” and I can say that the many men and women that I dealt with in the years in the church, were mostly very self-righteous; they felt so much better than anyone else they had no time for others, they were all about the facade; talk like thies, dress like this, most LDS women i know are on PROZAC or equivalent; and they dare to critasize everyone else that they consider non apropriate, when did God say our facade wouold gain us salvation? dot people thik that God is blind? that he does not see the rudeness and the horrid hipocrites. who is this facade for? Like a competition amongst themselves, Warren Jeffs had that “keep sweet” thing going also. Never cause any form of contention. anyway for all you too good for others, you need to read your book of Mormon where it says, “Beware ye who dare to speak against my children, for they are all my children and I have a purpose in them all!!! whether they be of any color……… |
OK, I SHOULD WEAR MY GLASSES SO I CAN SEE WHAT I’M WRITING, SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL CHRIST’S CHILDREN |
I live in Cedar City, well, Enoch, outside of Cedar. I’ve been incredibly vocal about this, but I’m drawing the line at going to the general authorities. For one thing, I’m barely active LOL. If I’m not working, I’m sleeping. But I believe my name’s on a list somewhere already and I’m always making waves. So I’ll let somebody else fight that good fight. What blows my mind is that the men, all I’ve talked to, feel it’s right. Nobody’s ever going to convince me our religion’s not chauvinistic. |
DKL thank you. It is great to hear that at least in some quarters diversity is welcomed and celebrated. My ward is a very diverse ward. I love being here because I always feel like I belong even when crazy stuff happens. One of the best wards I ever lived in had a goal to make every person who entered the front door feel like they were loved. It was a great place to be. |
Hi everybody. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Don’t forget, its not what the people around you are doing. its not what’s going on around you. Its what’s going on inside you. If people are acting chauvinistec, that’s a perfect chance for you to practice seeing, thinking, feeling, and acting like Christ would. Don’t pass it up. Relish it. Look forward to it. How AWESOME! Everything that happens to you daily, is meant for your spiritual growth. Of course, you’ve gotta go to the spiritual dimension to get the Holy Ghost to help you do this growing the way HF would recommend but don’t squander it. Use those enticements daily for what they were meant. To get us focused spiritually. If its piggish men, great. If its self-righteous zealots, great. If its the drivers on the road, great! How great is it He gives us THOSE enticements to help prepare us for the bigger challenges like cancer or loved ones being taken up or losing your legs. |
This touches on one of Pres Hinckley’s dictums: Every member needs a friend. I see too many isolated people in Sacrament meeting and in EQ. Nobody greets them or says anything to them. I try to greet people when I see that no one else greets them. I’ve visited other wards and been “invisible”, so I know how it feels. If you walk in carrying scriptures, and look Mormon, you can fly under the radar. You have to stand out a little bit for people to say anything. In a good ward, the Ward mission leader or a member of the Bishopric will be on the lookout for new faces. |
Unorthodox is really a misnomer. I’d say misfit is a better word. And there are different kinds of misfits. Most are actually fairly orthodox, they pay tithing and go toi church and aren’t closet drinkers. There are the crazies, like I describe and frankly I haven’t noticed too many lonely crazies because they’re too self involved and full of hubris to notice others avoid them. Then there are the genuine social misfits. I feel really sorry for these people. But they’d feel left our in any venue and they, too, are orthodox members. Then there are the liberal thinkers, who are also orthodox but non conformists. I think they are the lonliest at church gatherings because Mormons, being good Christians, will be mostly kind to the misfits and the crazies but they’ll avoid the non-conformers like the plague because they’re afraid their brand of evil is catching. So it’s not really unorthodox, it’s those who refuse to conform to the Molly Mormon personna. I suppose I’m speaking for myself. You can’t say it’s as evil to judge as it is to smoke; you can’t make a compassionate case for abortion ever, or even Democrats, nor can you imply our church had racist policies without putting fear into the hearts of other members that you will infect them. And you’re put on the back burner. Which isn’t the worst place to be IMHO. I said that to my daughter-in-law and she thought I was calling her a ho. |
A few unorthodox ideas, I don’t think anyone cares about. It’s when members try to push their unorthodoxy on every one else. I attended my sister’s branch in the Texas Hill Country last week. The GD teacher was pushing all sorts of strange Revelations teachings (and found it necessary to bring in every Glenn Beck talking point and also made reference to the White Horse Prophecy, which the Church had just backed away from). If this brother were in a big North Texas ward, we’d find ways to call him to the Nursery or Primary to quiet him down. But in my sister’s tiny branch, he’s in a position (by necessity, practically) to mess up the doctrinal experience for a lot of members. I don’t know of a solution. Minor orthodoxy is OK. Major orthodoxy may be better off on their own. Sometimes the 100th sheep is better off on his own? |
Er – my last paragraph should be UNORTHODOXY, not orthodoxy, in the two references… |
Just found a new spammer technique…… |
