Regarding these: a) emotional attachment, b) sexual activity, c) secrecy.

Are all of these factors/componets to be present in order for an unfaithful event to be catalogued as an “affair”?

I would consider anything that includes sexual activity an affair. But I would not consider emotional attachment by itself to constitute an affair. It may constitute unfaithfulness, but not an actual affair. Of course, emotional attachment is an obvious catalist for the actual affair to happen.

On the other hand, sexual activity can happen without emotional attachment. Thus the typical line in movies “it meant nothing.” It doesn’t matter if it meant something or nothing, it was an affair.

The statistics are very disturbing and probably true. When I came back to UT a few years ago, the wife of a married couple friends of mine offered me money for a sexual favor. On the outside, they are the average Mormon couple. He was the ward mission leader, she taught classes in the RF. While I of course declined the proposal, I was also not able to tell the husband what was going on and simply decided to erase myself from their lives and erase them from mine, and look ahead thinking that it never actually happened. I have recently learned they are now divorced.

It makes me wonder how much of that goes on behind the seemingly happy marriages. I want to think it is rare, but more and more things (like the stats provided) point at a more troubling reality.

Manuel, I wonder why she offered you money for a sexual favor.

Such a strange/perverse/dangerous decision to make in regards to an interaction with someone you know – but particularly with a fellow ward member.

I imagine that could make church attendance rather awkward for her – since you turned the offer down.

My next post will ponder the age-old question, “If you receive a sum of money in exchange for engaging in a sex act with a married RS instructor, must you pay tithing on that sum?”

Danithew, on the question of whether folks should tithe on money they received for sex acts, I tend to think that it depends on the sex act.

“Do you care to revise your b.s. story” …

I think that’s how the line goes in the Fugitive.

I am thinking of my large circle of Mormon friends. Of those, one had a married man fall in love with her. He was active. Nothing ever came of it, they did the right thing, never had sex and while both their spouses were hurt it never came to an actual divorce or affair. One man cheated all over the place but he and his wife are still together. Another who was very active fell shockingly hard.

That’s 10 couples. 2 actual cases of adultery and one romance. Plus me and one friend, the Relief Society president spent a pleasant summer afternoon discussing who were the best looking men in our ward. We didn’t agree. One man who she thought was attractive I just could never see the appeal. But after her husband died and he got a divorce they got married. You just never know.

Nobody knows about the romance I speak about. But if they did they would be totally shocked. I can keep my mouth shut. It happened over 30 years ago.

I have seen a lot of studies on infidelity. Usually the “cheating number” ends up between 20-40%.

I take with a grain of salt any stat that comes from somebody who’s income depends on perpetuating the bad behavior when it sounds outlandish as this number does. Its like taking at face value stats on homelessness from homelessness advocates who depend on state funding. There is to much incentive to embellish the numbers.

BBell, that number, 20%-40%, sounds much more real to me. I just can’t believe that a majority of married people are involved in affairs – even outside the church. But I’m open to the possibility I could be wrong – I would want to see the research and data.

I also can’t help but wonder if the numbers in the linked post have been blown up somehow – perhaps by defining an affair very broadly.

What is the traditional image of an affair that we have? I tend to imagine there are situations where a spouse meets another man/woman (not the husband or wife) routinely at work or in classes or wherever – and they may somewhat innocently begin to have conversations and develop mutual attraction and an emotional bond. If one or both realize that something potentially improper is developing – and does something to quickly shut down the problem before someone ‘falls in love’ or there is a sexual/romantic act (a kiss or more) – then in my mind, an affair has not taken place.

But there might be a good reason for a broader definition of an affair. No doubt, in this day and age, with the internet and all the related opportunities that arise – webcams, email, texting, Facebook, chatting online, pornography, etc. – the line between affairs of the heart and sex affairs is much more nebulous.

So maybe our traditional definitions of an affair need to change in accordance with that reality.

How do we draw the line?

I think a married couple is wise to create certain natural boundaries – avoid routinely eating lunch or driving home with someone of the opposite sex (not the spouse) … that sort of thing. Someone might think this is only necessary if there is an attraction factor – but it might be a good rule of thumb in general. This was what my mother taught me when I was a teenager – about married life – with a cautionary tale or two thrown into the mix.

These days, with the internet, there might be a need for more variations on those cautionary tales I was given before the internet even existed. There are many more ways for people to meet each other – (seemingly) appropriately or inappropriately – depending on the context of acquaintance. So perhaps we have to be aware of those possibilities and think of potential affairs in that kind of broader possibility context. This would be more in keeping with what Jesus said too, in the Beatitudes – about looking upon another person with lust being akin to adultery.

I had a professor (a woman) in a BYU class who flat out stated in class that after marriage, of course there are times when a spouse (in any marriage) will be sexually attracted to someone besides the other spouse. She made the point that we have to control our thoughts.

That, seems to me, like a good rule of thumb. As soon as a married person recognizes that he or she is attracted to a person besides the spouse, that person should identify the potential problem and be aware of it in a way that prevention of a potential problem will take place.

I too have a really hard time believing that 50-80% of the sisters in my RS would be affected by affairs. Everyone knows of some stories, but those come around in any given ward what, once a decade?

That said, I think everyone has to have their own comfort levels. I have a friend who is married to a man whose first marriage ended when he was caught in an affair (there may have been some others along the way)–I can understand why they might have stricter rules than other couples, given his history.

While new technologies like internet need some thoughtfulness, I do think it is weird that some couples, for example, share an e-mail address. But whatever–if that makes them feel secure, I can’t get too excited about it.

Oh–and I am sure I hang with a very prudish crowd (Mormons or teachers), but those stats don’t even sound right for the US. Some other cultures where extra-marital affairs are more socially acceptable, maybe. But Americans–it sounds pretty inflated.

There was a couple I hometaught for awhile. The husband didn’t seem very serious about attending church or doing much that constituted any kind of church activity.

He was easygoing, friendly – I would go to their place and he was always playing videogames. We would play the games for a little while and chat. He didn’t seem to have much spiritual depth but because he was relaxed and laid back I thought there might be hope in fellowshipping him.

A few years later (we had moved to NYC by then) I was very saddened to learn that he had an affair and left his wife and small child to be with the other woman.

What strikes me most about the cases of adultery that I’ve known about – in regards to people I know – is that those who commit adultery sometimes seem to become desensitized to natural feelings and affections they should have for their own children. It’s awful that the wife or husband suffers as a result of the infidelity – but when children are involved the pain/loss can be so much greater.

Another case of adultery that I learned about presented one of the worst stories I ever heard about the sundering of a family connection. A man (who had been a brother in the church and an assistant scoutmaster for our troop) had an affair and left his family for the other woman. In the aftermath, the whole family fell away from the church. Some years later his daughter from the original marriage called him to tell him that she had a baby boy and that he was a grandfather. She told me he hung up the phone on her. That kind of hostility struck me as horrific and almost unimaginable and inhuman.

Annegb mentioned that she knew about a couple where the man had many affairs and the marriage still lasted. I know that kind of arrangement happens sometimes – where the offended spouse somehow is forgiving or tolerant or understanding and the marriage still putters along. But from these other anecdotes/stories that I know about, regarding people I have been acquainted with, it’s obviously the most tremendous personal risk to get involved in anything that even approximates an affair. I don’t think those who get involved in affairs really know what will happen – they are rolling the dice – and that’s probably one of the most sinful and wasteful aspects of the whole thing – is that it puts everything sacred in jeopardy or risk.

Talking about these stories reminds me that even though there is more than one story I can relate – I have known of many more marriages that have succeeded than of marriages that have ended because of affairs.

living in zion–I am not saying you are alien, just that it seems an inefficient thing to me. Rarely do I intend to send the same message to multiple family members, so if I send a message to you at a family account, that means a bunch of other people have to read through it and not delete it so the intended party can read it. If it IS for everyone, then you have to figure out how/when everyone has read it to remove it from your inbox. It just seems to make more sense to have individual addresses IMO.

But I do know lots of people who do that as some sort of a safeguard–so everyone knows about everyone who is in contact with you and spouse. Or they know each other’s passwords, or something. Like I said: everyone has their comfort level.

Emotional affairs can be absolutely devastating to a marriage. I should know, my husband had one, my sister’s husband had one, my best friend’s husband had one, etc., etc., etc.

It starts off as friendship, maybe emailing, maybe Facebook chat and texting, no big deal, just friends. It then progresses to telling each other things about your marriage and spouse, and soon it’s “she understands me so much more than my wife does.” Then it turns into telling your spouse, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” and suddenly your marriage, which never had many real challenges, is newly characterized as “deeply unsatisfying” and “we never really loved each other.” And oh yeah, he’s leaving, but not because of HER. He never actually had sex with her, so he hasn’t done anything wrong, see?

The fact that they end up living together a few months later is just because she “helped him get through it.” I can’t tell you how many people, yes, LDS people, have lived this story – men and women alike.

Amy Grant syndrome. Pretty it up all you want, it’s still adultery. Giving the affection, attention, and relationship building time you should be spending on your spouse to another person.

Emotional affairs aren’t physical affairs – they’re WORSE, because the people who have them don’t feel they’re doing anything wrong, so they continue on the path until it’s too late and they’re “in love” and willing to throw everything away for a fantasy.

Remember in the OP, the definition of “affair” for the 60% included “emotional” (not just sexual) affairs. So if that’s the criterion, then yes, I can grasp that 60% of married men in general in the US have either an emotional or a sexual affair.

Based on people in my circles of contact, I suppose that African-American and Hispanic cultures in the US have a much higher incidence of infidelity than Caucasians. I suppose that the incidence of sexual affairs by married Hispanic men, not including emotional affairs, would surpass 75%, and among African-American men, it wouldn’t be too far behind. I’d guess that Caucasian men would be third. I don’t know where Europeans or Arabs would fit in. But again from my circles, I suppose the most faithful to be Indian (South Asian) and Asian.

Culture does play a part.

Based on the rumors going around the stakes in this area, it’s almost like Peyton Place (an old TV soap opera).

living in zion–you rule. RE: ward directory–it is very common for each spouse to have both an individual e-mail and individual cell-phone number listed.

anon for this–wow–that sounds so devastating and plausible. Thanks for sharing and sorry that has happened around you.

Bookslinger–your anecdotal stats are very interesting. I would note that both Indian and Asian men are fairly notorious in their own countries for infidelity–interesting that their American counterparts would have such a different reputation.

I don’t think anyone is calling for an abstaining from friendships with the opposite sex. But if you do have a friend of the opposite sex, you need to be careful. If you find yourself comparing her to your wife for any reason then that’s a warning sign that you’re on thin ice.
I like the counsel recently given by Elder Holland:

“Most people in trouble end up crying, “What was I thinking?” Well, whatever they were thinking, they weren’t thinking of Christ. Yet, as members of His Church, we pledge every Sunday of our lives to take upon ourselves His name and promise to “always remember him.”8 So let us work a little harder at remembering Him—especially that He has “borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows . . . , [that] he was bruised for our iniquities . . . ; and with his stripes we are healed.”
and
“Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! (You shouldn’t be serving tea anyway.) Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. More than one man has been saved from sin or stupidity by remembering the face of his mother, his wife, or his child waiting somewhere for him at home. Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only. As an ancient poet once said, let will be your reason.”

I don’t have too many ‘friendships’ with people of the opposite sex (who aren’t my wife). To say I have none wouldn’t be exactly accurate – but it’s pretty close to none. What I mean is, occasionally I’ll bump into someone from church on a subway and we have a conversation. That’s about as close to trouble as I get.

There are some friends I have who are guys – but there’s nothing in my life like a Wednesday night poker night or whatever it would be called in more secular circles.

I get together with a guy friend occasionally – maybe at the most once a month – to go see a movie or eat a meal or something.

Between work, church and my marriage – and now our new little girl – I don’t have much time for one-on-one outside-of-my-marriage friendships. But even before our daughter was born six months ago, I just didn’t have much discretionary time to spend with others.

I do think that blogs create some sense of social interaction and probably soak up some of the need of conversations and arguments and such that one might typically have with friends in the pre-internet age.

Knowing it sounds corny, but it’s true(!) – my wife is my best friend. As I see it, in a purely practical way – she pretty much has to be my best friend. So far it works great. She’s fabulous. I don’t mean we never argue or anything – but I don’t confide in anyone more than her and if I had a problem and I was going to talk about it with someone, she’d be the first person I’d talk to about it.

When I do things with other friends, about 96% of the time, my wife is there and it’s a group outing or get together of some sort.

Anyway, to some people that might sound pitiful. But it works for me.

My mother drummed something into me when I was growing up – over and over again she said that above all other human relationships, the wife comes first.

Much to my mother’s eventual (but temporary) consternation, I took that advice. But it’s one of those funny things – I followed that counsel and afterwards things fell pretty much into place the way they should be. At least that’s been my experience.

If you count our dating/engagement time – Diane and I have been together for about 10 or 11 years – maybe a little more, my brain is fuzzy. But hopefully in another 10 or 11 years I would be writing something similar. I’m crossing my fingers.

You know, guys, the couple I described where the man fell in love with the other woman—let me reiterate, he totally stopped all contact when he realized the depths of his feelings. His marriage isn’t limping along, it’s thriving. His wife was hurt but she also realized the genesis of the situation and accepted her husband’s word when he told her he loved her and had chosen, without regret , to end a contact that threatened his family. There was nothing underhanded or shady done whatsoever. The “other woman” in this case very much valued the friendship but didn’t reciprocate his deep affection. She remains married to and in love with her husband. The only regret she’s ever voiced is the loss of a friend. She never pursued him, nor he her. Both behaved honorably. That being said, her husband still doesn’t like that guy.

It is absolutely inevitable that an attraction will develop, I believe, in men and women who spend a lot time together. How one handles that attraction is the measure of the man–or woman. You just nip it in the bud.

The statistics quoted in the OP seem to me to require a rather broad definition of infidelity. But even so, as evidenced by some of the comments, that definition seems more than justified. A number of commenters have related anectdotes about emotional infidelity and the terminal impact such infidelity can have on a marriage. I think that for Mormons and other cultures and religions that place a stiff penalty on physical infidelity that emotional infidelity may be more pervasive and acceptable because, technically speaking, no overt sin has been committed. Until an article appeared in the September 2009 Ensign, I don’t remember Church leadership even hinting that such a thing as emotional infidelity existed much less the possibility that it may be a sin.

This past year I’ve had to deal with marital infidelity myself. My approach to coping with the situation, like my response to most things in life, was to learn as much about the phenomenon as possible. I read books and articles, spoke with a half dozen marriage counselors (some Mormon and some not), and visited a few support groups. When I first learned of my wife’s infidelity, outside of the predictable ruch of emotions, I also felt isolated and alone– how wrong was I. Of the marriage counselors with whom I spoke they all indicated that fidelity issues accounted for more than half of the couples they counseled(hence the existence of support groups). Learning of the pervasiveness of the infidelity phenomenon really helped me forgive my spouse. Why I would find it easier to forgive a “common” sin versus a “rare” one is a puzzle I haven’t had time to think through but knowing that my wife was not uniquely “wicked” really made a difference in the healing process.

“I know that kind of arrangement happens sometimes – where the offended spouse somehow is forgiving or tolerant or understanding and the marriage still putters along.”

Putters along? That sounds like a judgment on all marriages that survive infidelity. You ought to rethink that. Spouses who find the ability to forgive and marriages that find a way to survive that kind of trauma deserve credit and respect, not put-downs.

Affairs, especially emotional ones, don’t have to be limited to potential sexual partners.

comment #23 described my situation personally, only the “affair” was my wife with her mother. I was busy trying to finish my dissertation and apply for jobs. I admit I let my “marriage maintenance” slip. However, her mother, who had been trying to get my wife to leave me for ten years (because I wasn’t a sugar daddy), started suddenly calling her up everyday “just to talk.” While I was clueless, as #23 put it:

It starts off as friendship, maybe emailing, maybe Facebook chat and texting, no big deal, just friends. It then progresses to telling each other things about your marriage and spouse, and soon it’s “[my mom] understands me so much more than my [husband] does.” Then it turns into telling your spouse, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” and suddenly your marriage, which never had many real challenges, is newly characterized as “deeply unsatisfying” and “we never really loved each other.” And oh yeah, [s]he’s leaving, but not because of HER.

The fact that [she] end[s] up living [with her parents] a few months later is just because [her mother] “helped him get through it.”

twiceuponatime—See, that’s just it: I don’t believe the word “affair” can be so broadly defined that it includes any emotional support outside of the marriage. If it is, then your dissertation could be termed an “affair” because it also tampered with the emotional climate of your marriage.

I think part of the problem is the unrealistic (and unhealthy) expectation that spouses should fulfill all needs for each other. Perhaps if your wife didn’t expect you to fulfill her every emotional need in the marriage, she would not have believed that your failure to do so would be a reason to end the marriage.

Disloyal? But then, we’ve only heard your side of it.

And just to tie this back to the OP, I think this is a perfect example of why the definitions of “infidelity” and “affair”, especially “emotional affair” make using them in a constructive way difficult.

When a person starts carelessly using the term “emotional affair” it tends to shut down relationship healing, not promote it.

You know, I think you’re right. And that could apply to almost everything in life, not just divorce. We all see through a glass, darkly.

There are _at least_ 3 sides or stories to a divorce: His side, her side, and the truth.

I’ll throw another thing into the mix: PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.

I’ve seen a certain phenomenon (if that’s what you call it.) We’ve all heard of “flashbacks” like when a combat veteran hallucinates that they are back in war.

But flashbacks don’t necessarily have to be hallucinations. A flashback can just be reliving the trauma in your mind, all the while realizing that you are still in the present. It’s like a video-tape of the traumatic event replays over and over in your mind.

Here’s what I’ve seen happen: when a person with PTSD (either a combat vet, a rape victim, or a victim of childhood sexual abuse) has children and when one of those children reaches the age that the parent was when they had their trauma (combat, rape, abuse, etc), there can be a generalized “flash back”. And it’s like the scab is ripped off an old wound.

It can also be likened to the parable of the “hidden wedge” that Spencer Kimball told, about a wood-splitting wedge left in the crotch of a tree, it’s forgotten about, and the tree grows around it, but a strong storm eventually comes, and the hidden wedge weakened the tree and the tree broke apart in the storm. Spencer Kimball said the wedge was unrepented sin. But in the case of PTSD, the wedge is the spiritual _wound_ from the trauma, not a sin on the part of that person.

There are lots of reasons for divorce. But this “flashback” thing can be one a possible reason, where the spouse with the flashbacks changes to a dregree where they can no longer tolerate anything the other spouse does that aggravates the wound. Or the non-PTSD spouse doesn’t know how to handle, or doesn’t want to handle, the personality change of the spouse with the PTSD flashback.

Trust.

It all comes to trust, and building the kind of relationship where you can trust your partner to confide into them when something is wrong.

It’s not an easy thing, but it’s what I believe is needed.

So sorry about your experience, Anne. I am grateful you figured out the truth about your Mormon schmuck before things got too far. But here is the thing: it wouldn’t matter what religion he is. Schmucks are everywhere, in every church. Thank goodness you are smart enough to pay attention. I hope for you nothing but future success in finding someone worthy of your love.

For some reason, it’s become a social norm for many couples to cheat. The ones I can’t imagine are those who continue to live under the guise of a happy marriage while both pursuing outside conquests. This is definitely not how God defined marriage. What satisfaction is there in tearing apart what should be the most precious relationship in anyone’s life? This question is for the cheating marrieds as well as anyone who would knowingly agree to an affair with someone who is married. Maybe if people would think of their little trysts in terms of the number of broken lives it leaves behind, the infidelity rate would decline.