My cousin and her husband are trying to adopt. One of my good college friends and his wife are trying to adopt. Both are still waiting. (The college friend and his wife had the nursery painted, had everything ready, and then the birth mother changed her mind. Soul-crushing anguish.)

I have heard it said that the single biggest influencing factor on keeping the baby vs. giving it up is the mother of the pregnant girl.

I understand that grandmothers don’t want to give up their grandbabies and they get these great thoughts that their single-mother daughters will get it all together and suddenly be a great mom, but the grandmas in these situations need to say, “my grandbaby is really meant to go to another family who needs it more”.

My parents attempted to adopt one child – he lived with us for six months. But he had a relative who had rights and would not sign them away. My parents decided if they couldn’t legally be the parents with full rights, they wouldn’t continue to pretend otherwise and he ended up with another family.

My sister has adopted three children in addition to the two she had herself. She had all three from the days they were born and they have been a real blessing to her and to our family. [These three adopted children all have the same biological mother.]

When my daughter gave her baby girl up for adoption, the comments occupied the narrow range from “How could you give your baby away?” to “I would have an abortion before I’d give my baby away.” She has pretty much stopped telling anyone, ever, that she had a baby that she gave up for adoption, because the overwhelming response has pretty much been that there must be something wrong with her – no “real” woman would ever be able to give her baby to someone else.

anon–that is so so hard to hear; I am so sorry that your daughter received that kind of reaction for what must have been the hardest thing–I don’t think anyon who hasn’t been through that can begin to imagine it. What a shame.

I am pro-adoption. Entirely. I’d love to do it myself, if only it weren’t so expensive.

Anon, my heart goes out. Jim, bless you as well. How lucky you are.

I don’t have a solid opinion on this subject since I’ve seen it from almost all sides. Three of my sisters were adopted by other families. One at the age of 2 and the other two as teenagers after we were put into foster care.

My “baby” sister’s adoption was a tragedy to me. I was 5 at the time and objected. She had a birth defect and we were absolutely poverty stricken. The family that adopted her was educated and financially stable and had fallen in love with her when they’d cared for her during a hospitalization.

I think she’s better for it–life in our abusive and degrading childhood environment would have destroyed her, I believe. But she’s bitter and ungrateful. I don’t care for her much (we were always allowed contact, so I know her). Her adoptive parents adored her and gave her advantages she would never have had but she’s struggled with her place in the world and feels an empty place in her heart because the other four of us bonded at the hip and she wishes she had that relationship with us.

My two sisters who were adopted as teenagers also have some baggage and the adoptee relationship isn’t ideal. One has nothing to do with the family that adopted her. The other struggles with the pull of two families and doesn’t quite feel a part of the adoptive family.

I can relate to the grandmother’s resistance to giving up their grandchildren. I would. It would be really really hard. But I’ve often thought my grandson deserved a two parent family.

I adore that child. My feelings for him made me realize how you can love an adopted child. He was 2 months old when he came into our lives—and Jared married his mother. He is the stepchild of my stepson. But Max and I are each other’s person. When he was little and had to go home, we would both cry. What a drama!

Jared tries, limited as he is by alcoholism, narcissism, and what I believe is mental illness. But he and *** have been married and divorced twice and the kids have been all over the planet as their parents have indulged their immature and selfish inclinations. And I have looked at that beautiful boy and sorrowed for him and wished *** had displayed the courage and unselfishness to give him a stable mother and father and a chance at a normal happy childhood. Grandparents can do only so much.

My two grown daughters have been told they will have some real difficulties having children. For one, this isn’t a disappointment-she says she doesn’t want children.(Frankly I don’t believe it) But Sarah is outspokenly determined to be a mom and has always said that she plans to adopt even if she can have biological children. She has expressed a desire to adopt children who aren’t easily adoptable. So I know she’ll adopt whether or not she’s able to conceive. And I will love those babies however they come.

So I have a lot of different experiences and opinions. Because I’m older, I have friends whose daughters have given their children for adoption (and let me tell you, that is hard)and others whose daughters have kept their illegitmate children. While they always love the children, some wish they’d encouraged adoption and feel the children would have had a better chance at life, as I feel about my precious Max.

But adoption isn’t a panacea. Think Lisa Steinberg. I’ve seen a lot of adoptees who struggle with a sense of identity.

So I’ve written a book here but I do have one last opinion. I referred to Lisa Steinberg, who was murdered by her adoptive father. People are people no matter what and it’s possible for the child to go to a “bad” home. For that reason I’m solidly behind open adoption. I think it’s the only way.

My friend, Stacie, who I knew from a child, had a baby at 18 and gave the child up in an open adoption. She was diagnosed with liver cancer shortly after and died at the age of 23. Her mother still keeps in touch with the family. They are wonderful generous people. This young man will not have unanswered questions, the grandmother knows her daughter did the right thing and will also have the blessing of knowing the son of her only child who died so tragically, and the adoptive parents have been given a gift.

Things can always go bad—life comes at you from every direction and boy, every day I’m more convinced there’s not much place for black and white opinions on anything.

And if I made any sense to anybody, it’s probably a miracle.

annegb, Lisa Steinberg’s adoption wasn’t a traditional adoption–in fact, it was more like a kidnapping than an adoption. Joel Steinberg, her “adoptive father,” was actually an adoption attorney who had been hired by the birth mom to find an adoptive family. He just kept Lisa himself without even telling the birth mom. There was nothing legal about it–there was no home study, there were no papers, there was no contact with an adoption caseworker. So that’s not exactly an apt comparison.

Ron, amen to what you said in #1.

anon (#6), that is tragic. When I hear things like that, I’m always reminded of the scripture where good is called evil and evil is called good. Your daughter is most certainly a real woman and a real mother, because she did what real mothers do: putting her baby’s needs first. I’m always AMAZED when I hear things like “I’d have an abortion before I’d give my baby away.” Whose needs are being put first in that case? Obviously not the baby’s.

My wife and I have adopted 3 children. The first two were sibling sisters who had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We adopted them through the DFS in Alaska. Because they were Alaska Native it took over 2 years before the adoption was finalized. We received them when they were about 4 months. The oldest is now 21 and the youngest just turned 18 and is completing high school this year.

After adopting these two we were able to adopt a 7 year old boy from Bulgaria. The man who adopted him and brought him to the US decided he couldn’t handle him and gave him back to the agency that oversaw the adoption.

AnneGB,
Was your friend Stacy Q? I think her dad may have been our High Councilor for a couple of years. I remember while we were waiting for ZJ they told me about their daughter who died of cancer 5 years after placing her baby for adoption and how grateful they were for the adoption because had she not placed, her baby would have had no parents at all.
they also told a story about people, even in the church who judged her horribly for her decision and went out of their way to be unsupportive.

Anon,
If you can think of the names of any of the people who made those hurtful comments to your daughter, please let me know. I’ll be happy to slap them for you. They need to be slapped.

Queuno,
Let’s hope your daughter is never in that situation. but if she ever is, I would hope you encourage her to make the question of Open or Closed adoption a matter of soul searching and prayer. Anectodal evidence to the contrary, Open adoptions are in most cases healthier for all parties concerned. If you want to know more about open adoptions, I would encourage you to visit the R house at http://therhouse.blogspot.com

And support of Grandmas and in defense of open adoption, in our case it means that ZJ’s birthgrandma is still his Grandma. Besides, what kid couldn’t use more grandparents?

I know it’s late to be commenting, but I’m just catching up on old posts.
My sweetheart and I are adopting a 2 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy from foster care. Our court date is June 16th and our temple date is June 19th. (We were supposed to finalize today, but the judge decided to extend his Memorial weekend)
They’ve been in 3 other foster homes and were considered hard to place due to our sons disabilities.
Granted, we started fostering with the intent to adopt in order to grow a family. That was our selfish desire. Since then, we’ve had children come, then go home again. That took sacrifice. It was heart wrenching, but it was also the right thing for these children and their parents.
While we haven’t met our children’s first parents, I wish we had some form of communication with them. I worry that they’ll struggle with identity issues and will have questions we can’t answer for them.
In my experience, adoption is a wonderful thing, with some hard parts. I can do hard.
~S