Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People

By ESO

Apr. 26th, 2010 at 8:50 am

You know this question. You’ve been asked it. You’ve probably asked it yourself. Here is my question: what is an appropriate response?

If you are like me, your immediate reaction is “no” but almost always, I have an immediate unstated reaction along the lines of: “I don’t know, how can you help me?”

You may have had experiences wherein you were asked for help that you felt was inappropriate. I think we all have had experiences, whether we recognize them or not, in NOT being asked for help we really could have easily offered. So where is the balance? Sure some of it has to do with your relationship, your family situations, and even your lifestyle. But let’s pretend that you are home or visiting teaching a family that is new to you: what services are you offering when you ask, “Is there any way we can help you?”

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1. PaulM

Mon, Apr 26, 2010 @ 1:11pm

I don’t ask that question because of the problems you identify. I prefer to ask if the family has any specific needs they need help meeting. They identify the need and then I determine if I can help.

2. MCQ

Mon, Apr 26, 2010 @ 1:49pm

I don’t think there’s any problem in asking that question. It lets people know that you are willing to help, and puts the ball in their court to ask for anything that they might think of. When I ask it as a home teacher, I’m usually thinking primarily of priesthood blessings or lifting something heavy. I can’t think of any time that I have been asked to do anything that I considered inappropriate. I have done yard work, moved furniture, helped put a new roof on someone’s house, helped people move, and even helped a woman break into her apartment once when she had locked herself out.

I have found that most people are far too independent and proud to ask for help even when they need it, so I try to be more specific if I see a need. Since that can sometimes seem pushy or even insulting, I try to be careful about this. Also, I have found that sometimes people drop hints if you pay attention. When you get to know people you can usually tell when they need something.

3. Paradox

Mon, Apr 26, 2010 @ 3:12pm

I’ve never felt uncomfortable with my home teachers asking me this question. I’ve always had wonderful home teachers who are good about moving heavy stuff and fixing things–basically, things I can’t do myself. Asking them for help has really made my experience with my home teachers quite wonderful, and I love that aspect of the Church very dearly.

Where it gets a little awkward is with the visiting teachers. Between roommates, the home teachers, and things I can take care of myself, my visiting teachers usually get the “no, I’m all right. See you next month.” Unless it’s girl talk, which I don’t do much of really.

4. marta

Mon, Apr 26, 2010 @ 11:15pm

sometimes i ask my visiting teachers to visit while i clean. don’t want them to help clean. just to keep me going.

i used to ask my home teacher to take toys home with him. grandson was growing out of them and he had a boy a bit younger. he usually took some.

my favorite was asking visiting teachers to go to the liquor store for moving boxes. they laughed and thought i was kidding. i explained that i was serious. those are the best moving boxes. they still thought i was kidding, because i could not seriously expect them to go near a liquor store. they would not do it.

5. queuno

Tue, Apr 27, 2010 @ 12:00am

Favorite story: My sister-in-law was living in Pr*vo and her visiting teachers were doing a drop-off of cookies or something. JUST AS they were about to say, “let us know if there’s anything we can do for you”, there was a cascade of water from the water heater that had just chosen that moment to fail. The VTs looked at the water, looked at my SIL, said the magic words, and left.

6. just some guy

Tue, Apr 27, 2010 @ 1:57pm

I love my home teachers. They are upstanding men, and I know they would do anything they could for our family. The problem: one’s 25, and the other’s 16. They lack the life experience necessary to actually help us with the problems we face. I don’t blame them, but sometimes I do wish for some graybeard HTs who could actually provide useful counsel.

7. MCQ

Tue, Apr 27, 2010 @ 2:59pm

queuno, in that situation, your sister should have said, “Yes, there is” and handed them the mop. We hope that home teachers and visiting teachers recognize when help is needed, but if they don’t, we shouldn’t be shy about asking for it.

8. annegb

Wed, Apr 28, 2010 @ 11:11am

I never ask that question. I wrack my brain for what might be needed in a given situatuon and ask if I can do that. I’m kind of obsessive about it. I BEG them to let me do whatever I think is needed. Sometimes I don’t beg, I just do.

New baby? Take the older kids for awhile. Need some laundry done? Mop a flood? Go by the store for milk bread and eggs? Mow the lawn?

“Call me if you need anything” are the lamest 6 words in the Mormon language. And probably the most used. Being close enough to NOT have to say that, but to know what a family/sister might need and doing it is being a steward.