I hate holidays. All holidays except Halloween because when I was a little girl it meant food. But basically, every holiday in the world is just an excuse to BUY EXPENSIVE CARDS AND PRESENTS!!! I just find it the height of foolishness to pay $ 5 for a card to say “I Love You” just because it’s tradition. People, we are making Hallmark rich.

Holidays mean work for women. Every holiday, even Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is one of the worst holidays of all, because a lot of moms aren’t even moms. Or they have messed up somewhere and Mother’s Day is just another reminder to them and it brings most women down, in my opinion.

I love to watch “The Middle.” They’re all so goofy. But I really loved this week’s show. The mom in the show kept remembering how she’d rubbed her husband’s feet, made him a 3 course breakfast, bought him a wonderful present & let him lay around all day undisturbed. Then her family made her a sucky breakfast, got her a stupid gift, and bugged her all day. She decides to go visit her mom, who’s underwhelmed to see her since she was looking forward to spending the whole day alone. And she reverts to being a child, with her mom waiting on her and making a mess (I totally thought of Sarah LOL). They get in a fight and she says to her mom “you didn’t want me with you on Mother’s Day?” And HER daughter, who’d gone with her said, “Mom, you didn’t want to be with US on Mother’s Day?”

This is my suggestion to dads everywhere for Mother’s Day. Saturday morning, clean the house, then pack up the kids and leave. Go camping or something. No, then she’ll have to clean it up. Take them to visit your mom. Leave your wife home, with a box of chocolates, a pile of magazines, bubble bath, a couple of movies, and a steak thawing in the fridge. Don’t come home or call (for any reason, if one of the kids dies, she can find out on Monday). In fact, unplug all the phones and turn the ringer off on her cell. Tell the bishop she’s coming with you so she doesn’t have to go to church. Or maybe she would enjoy church alone for a change.

If you don’t have children, for heaven’s sake, keep her away from church that day. Take her to a spa. Take her to the Little American for their grand brunch. Buy her a bunch of tulips or daisies and good chocolate. DO NOT MAKE HER GO TO CHURCH WHERE SHE WILL HAVE TO STAND (OR NOT) TO GET HER WILTED BEGONIA.

Anybody got any other suggestions?

But basically, I think we’ve all been emotionally blackmailed into creating work for ourselves and income for card & gift companies for totally made up holidays. If people treated their moms like they should all the time, there’d be no need for Mother’s Day.