I was saddened by the isolated accounts of Koran-burning appearing in the press and on YouTube. “Why?” I ask myself. “Why aren’t more people burning the Koran?”

The most objectionable thing to come to light from all of this bizarre Ground-Zero-Mosque/Koran-Burning hysteria is that, in this day and age, there are still people who consider book burning objectionable. If you really object to book burning, buy a Kindle.

Back before printing presses mass-produced books, books were expensive and rare, and book burning was an awful thing. And there are some books that it would be a crime to burn, because they are rare and precious, books as rare and precious as the Buddhas that the Taliban destroyed. So I don’t think that we should burn every book in the world.

But this is the 21st century, and books are practically free. They’re paper and ink. Most of them are destined for landfills or recycling plants anyway. If the content is worthwhile, someone will print more. What’s the big deal if we burn a few? Heck, what’s the big deal if we burn a lot?

I think that everyone would admit that book burning is a stupid and utterly futile gesture. But if it’s stupid and utterly futile, then how can it be so offensive and nasty at the same time? Clearly this is just an outmoded superstition that has no place in our world.

So I think that the answer to my question, “Why aren’t more people burning the Koran?” is simple: Unless you’re burning girly magazines, book burning is downright boring. There’s a reason why there aren’t a lot of movies, TV shows, plays, sports, or entertainment events that revolve around book burning, and that reason is that book burnings aren’t any fun.

But the fact that book burnings aren’t any fun is exactly the sort of problem that we can solve. We can make book burning fun again. So I’ve started coming up with ways that we could burn the Koran that would put the excitement back into it, and maybe we’d see a lot more Koran burning on the news or on YouTube.

  1. Explode the Korans instead of burning them. Everybody loves firecrackers — that’s why they’re illegal in many states.
  2. Use a chainsaw to destroy Korans.
  3. Drill holes in Korans with a drill press.
  4. Dissolve Korans in acid
  5. Bury Korans en masse
  6. Use pages of the Koran as toilet paper in latrines at Boy Scout Camps
  7. Create a form of MMA fighting where fighters can use the Koran as a weapon
  8. Make fraternity pledges eat Korans as part of a hazing ritual

Anyway, that’s all I could come up with. Entertaining for Dummies has sat unread on my bookshelf for years, and I’m just not that good at coming up with fun ways to destroy the Koran. And that’s why I’ve written this. I want to hear your ideas on how to make destroying the Koran fun again.