Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People

By Devyn S.

Feb. 23rd, 2011 at 11:33 am

My wife and I are Nursery leaders in our Ward. It is always very interesting the different approaches that parents who have new kids or are visiting take with us. There seem to be four major types of parents:

First, the “Dump and Run” – Some just dump the kid and run (does not usually matter if they cry or not) – we have to ask as quickly as possible what the kids name is before the parent disappears. These are worrisome as we usually have a hard time finding them if the kid has a parental need (e.g., diaper change, etc.).

Second, the “the Psycho testers” – These parents will ask a few get to know you questions as well as give a brief intro to their child. They want to be sure their child will be taken care of and that the teachers are not insane. If you pass the bar, the kid stays, and the parents let you know where they will be if needed which is very helpful.

Third, the “PPIers” – These parents ask so many questions that it takes 15 minutes of time while the rest of the kids in the Nursery go berserk as the leaders are being questioned. They usually hang at the door while asking the barrage of questions to be sure you are a “good” teacher.

Fourth, the “Kling-ons” – These parents just come in for the first week or two to insure that their kid has a good transition into Nursery. They are usually helpful with other kids and nice to have in the class. Sometimes they may come for so many weeks that you just call them as an assistant.

There may be other types, but these are what I have observed so far. It does amaze me how many people are fine just sending their child into a classroom without knowing much about the teacher. Perhaps it is an institutional trust members have…

1. jimbob

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 12:11pm

“It does amaze me how many people are fine just sending their child into a classroom without knowing much about the teacher.”

I don’t know what question I could ask of the teacher in five minutes that would help me feel more comfortable. I’m a little socially insensitive, but even I know that the questions I’d want to ask are all off the table. I.e., do you have any kid porn at home? Do you often hit your own kids? Are you on a sex offender list somewhere? Do you ever post on the bloggernacle?

And if I can’t ask those types of questions, I’m just shooting the breeze with this guy, which does neither of us any good. Him, because he’s got a job to do and I’m distracting him from it, and me, because I’ve two free hours of babysitting that I’m wasting.

2. jjohnsen

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 12:28pm

I was a Klingon with both kids for the first couple of weeks. My oldest was fine after that and would happily go to nursery. My youngest would talk about how much he hated church and so I stayed. I would leave after snack time and he was happy, but by the time he was starting to adjust they called my wife and I as nursery assistant. I loved the calling, but then it made it hard to get him into Sunbeams.

And I never trusted the nursery leaders. Our Stake had an issue years ago with a primary teacher fondling kids and I haven’t been comfortable since the just sending my kids off. I’ve volunteered to attend my my kid’s primary classes to get to know the teachers a little more.

3. Devyn S.

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 1:13pm

1. jimbob – Fair points, particularly on the distraction point.

2. jjohnsen – You sound like me – a definite Klingon – which is why we are now the Nursery leaders, although our daughter will be in there through this year. And I tend to be distrustful of primary teachers – I was so glad the Church put windows in the doors, although our current chapel does not have them. We are trying to fix that…

4. MAC

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 2:07pm

Our kids never had a problem going into nursery, so we were fly-by-ers. We check on in at least once or twice an hour, just to make sure that things were going okay and offer to take our kid to the restroom.

We also make a point of having all our kid’s Primary teachers over for Sunday dinner at least once.

5. bbell

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 3:09pm

Nursury in my exp always has a host of challenges. I am on my 5th kid in nursury right now and its always different with each kid. My twins did the best because they had each other.

6. Devyn S.

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 3:20pm

MAC – great idea on the teachers over for Dinner. We have found that providing lots of gifts to teachers does pay off dividends in special attention to your child…

bbell – agree it is different, although my n=2. However, with my two stints in Nursery, you get all kinds of kids…

7. jks

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 5:58pm

I’m somewhere between dump and run and psychotesters and the flybyers. I’m not going to ask get to know you questions. I will tell you my child’s name. I will tell you he just went to the bathroom and is potty trained and to come get me if he needs to go potty. I might say something my child will enjoy. Then I will look around for 5 seconds to make sure things look normal. Then I leave. Less than a minute. In my regular nursery I tell them if I’m substituting so they can find me. Again,less than 15 seconds.
My four kids have never had a problem crying as they transitioned to nursery.
I have always checked in on them in the window as much as they have needed or my calling allowed. I was able to discover a problem for one of my kids who was one symptom shy of autistic spectrum. So then I went in during singing time to make him participate since his leaders were fine with him lying down in the corner with a toy. After a few weeks I didn’t need to go in anymore. Big surprise I taught him how to sit in a chair and stay in it!

8. Ed

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 6:30pm

I will admit it. I dump and run – but I always check to make sure there are at least two leaders in the room before leaving my child there. I’m on my fourth kid in the nursery and I am just too tired for any of the other “phases” (been there, done that).

9. Tim

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 6:36pm

I usually end up sticking around because our kid is the only kid in nursery and the ward doesn’t have a nursery leader right now, and somebody needs to watch him. Sometimes someone from the primary presidency will come in and take over, and I’ll be able to go to the other meetings. I can’t exactly complain about there not being a nursery leader, though, when the ward also doesn’t have an Executive Secretary or a Sunday School President, and many people have two or even three callings.

10. ESO

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 7:44pm

I’m pretty surprised at this thread. Assuming it is not your first week in a ward and not the ward’s first week in existence, why wouldn’t the parents know the nursery workers, the nursery workers know the kids names, and the necessary infrastructure be in place to know where the parents are during the meetings (my nursery has a file folder on the wall for each kid, with picture and name/dietary restrictions/parents locations for each child, also the place for parents to retrieve handouts, coloring sheets, etc–I’ve seen this system in every ward I have been in for 10+ years)?

I walk my kids to nursery and then walk away. Perhaps that makes me a negligent parent, but I think it is better for the kids if parents disappear and much more helpful to the nursery workers, who are, after all, working, for me not to take their attention away from the kids with chit-chat from me.

11. Rebecca J

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 8:44pm

Every nursery worker I’ve talked to prefers the dump and run parent. The Kling-ons, in their opinion, made the transition harder for the child. So I dumped and ran when I could. But running ability is hampered when the dumpee is still attached to your leg.

12. Devyn S

Wed, Feb 23, 2011 @ 9:31pm

7. jks – your approach seems reasonable to me and would be prefered to me as a nursery worker

8. Ed – it is fair to do the dump and run once you know the leaders, but would you dump and run the first week?

9. Tim – well you are an outlier…

10. ESO – my reference in the OP is those for whom it is their first week. Once one is comfortable, then dump and run is fine. However, parents whose kids are coming for the first time often dump and run which is concerning to me…

11. Rebecca J – as a Nursery worker, I agree except for the first visit, I would prefer they tell me a little about the kid

13. Ed

Thu, Feb 24, 2011 @ 12:34am

Devyn – My standard default setting is dump and run – however, when starting in a new ward my wife and I have always taken the time to get to know the leaders before moving to this approach. We only have 10 months and 1 week left before all of our children are out of nursery (Not that I’m counting down or anything).

14. annegb

Thu, Feb 24, 2011 @ 9:38am

ESO’s right. I always knew the people in the nursery pretty well. I didn’t have to dump and run–Sarah loved nursery and she had the attitude in her little toddler body “got this covered, Mom, see ya later.”

One of our best nurseries was when we had three grandmas in there–I was one of them. The kids loved us.

15. Ron

Thu, Feb 24, 2011 @ 10:41am

It is a typical experience in my ward that new people in the ward are immediately shuffled off in to primary callings where they don’t get a chance to meet any other ward members until they get released 1 year later.
Although in my son’s case, I knew both teachers quite well. 1 sister I knew because her two sons were young men. (She’s a bit over-protective. we only successfully got her boys on 1 campout. but that’s fine in a nursery leader.)
and the other I home taught for a few months before the ward split.
They actually invited me to start bringing my son a few weeks early… But he’s independent enough I can be a dump and run parent. but I always try to swing by between SS and EQ to check on his diaper status.

16. bbell

Thu, Feb 24, 2011 @ 11:07am

I really do like older women in nursury. Dump and run with my kids seems to work easier. I am with ESO. I have always known the nursury leaders.

17. ESO

Thu, Feb 24, 2011 @ 1:12pm

HA–I prefer men in the nursery, but really, anyone that is not me is pretty sweet.

Even when my kids is going for the first time, I don’t see why I wouldn’t know the nursery workers–they are members of my ward. For parents who have kids who are likely to have separation issues, their parents should definitely make efforts ahead of time to familiarize their child with the nursery workers, whether it’s a dinner invitation or a play-date or whatever.

18. meggle

Fri, Feb 25, 2011 @ 11:03am

As a fairly recent former nursery leader, let me give you my two cents: Please let us know your child’s name and where you will be. Other than that, get the heck out of my nursery room. If you want to check on your child, you can peek through the window if you want, but don’t let any of the kids see you. Trust your leaders that they will come get you if there is a problem. I found it very difficult when parents, primary presidency members, or any other random ward member popped in to see if we needed any help. First of all, an open door in nursery can lead to escapees. Some of those kids are really fast. Secondly, if we did have kids who were having a hard time adjusting, ANY random person coming into the room would generally set them off, not just their parent. Generally, I would have all of the children calmed down after a few minutes, and then a well-meaning adult would poke their head in to see how things were going (or, heaven forbid, come in and try and have a detailed conversation with me about something- really? I need to focus on the kids!)- and any child who was prone to missing their parents at all would freak out, because they are suddenly reminded that there is a door to the room through which their parents could potentially show up at any moment and rescue them. And then we had to start all over again.
Trust your nursery leaders. And if you don’t, that’s fine, just don’t bring your kid. Our room is not big enough for more than the three adults that I felt I needed to run a good nursery (one to teach the lesson/set up snacks/get out playdough), one to corral the bulk of the children, and one to hold the cryer- or take them out of the room)
One more word to the wise: do not drop your child off until there are two leaders present. There is nothing worse than being the sole nursery worker in a room, having some sort of emergency come up, and being unable to leave. It’s just plain unsafe. I’ve never understood the church’s extremely lax nursery standards.

19. annegb

Fri, Feb 25, 2011 @ 12:54pm

Excellent advice, Meggie. Our nursery, at long last, has a window in the door. Boy, I nagged the stake president about that. You know, the Presbyterian Church in our town has a two way mirror—huge!–so parents can watch their kids. Also a very nice little toilet RIGHT IN THE NURSERY! That’s for Meggie, I know some of you have heard me harping about that before. A woman designed the Presbyterian Church. Our stake building has only ONE BATHROOM!

20. Ron

Fri, Feb 25, 2011 @ 2:55pm

Not a fan of the toilet in the nursery. It creates a certain expectation and I have no business helping any kids other than my own go potty.
What we need is for the wards to invest in some of those little pagers like they have at the Olive Garden. You drop off your kid, you get a pager. Then they can page you if your kid needs potty or anything else.
Or, alternatively people can just take their cell phones to church and leave them on vibrate so the nursery leaders can reach them when they are needed.
That would be great for the older kids too. “Jimmy, stop kicking susie”
“That’s it! I’m texting your dad to come sit with you today!”

21. eljee

Sun, Mar 6, 2011 @ 11:46pm

I’m a kling-on. I want my child to first experience the nursery as a safe and fun place to be, THEN go through the transition of the separation from mom and dad. My plan with both kids was to spend around 4 weeks with them in nursery, and then bow out. With child #1, I wasn’t confident enough to stand up to the nursery leader who pressed me to just leave him. I left him with the promise that if he cried, they would come get me. Well, they didn’t. When I came back to check on him, he’d been crying for 30 minutes. After that it took us five months to get him to go to nursery. And he remembered those experiences so well that whenever we passed the nursery leader in the hall at church, he’d give her dagger eyes. In his little mind, all he knew was that she had taken him away from his mommy (which is pretty much what happened that first day).

With child #2, I stuck to my plan to stay even though the nursery leader was not happy about it and told me so. I stayed for two weeks, and then my daughter was confident enough to stay by herself. She is a more out-going child than my first.

Shortly after my first child finally started staying happily in nursery, our primary sent out a written policy to parents stating that parents were not to stay in the nursery with their kids. I was livid! Luckily my ds was at that point going on his own, because there is no way I would have abided by that policy. My view is, this is my child, I am the one who decides how s/he will transition to nursery–and dealing with separations in a loving and respectful way is a high priority in my parenting of my young children. It’s not me being a wimpy mom (which is how I think that first nursery leader perceived it). I have actually thought out very carefully how I want to accomplish this milestone in our lives. I personally think the dump-and-run method can be almost cruel (especially for certain types of kids) and doesn’t go along with understanding of child development (separation anxiety has been shown to peak at about 18 months), yet if I were a nursery leader, I would try to respect the wishes of the parent.

22. Zelophehad’s Daughters | Nacle Notebook 2011: Funny Comments

Tue, Jan 10, 2012 @ 1:44am

[...] Rebecca J., commenting on Devyn S.’s post “The Nursery Parents…” at Mormon Mentality: Every nursery worker I’ve talked to prefers the dump and run parent. The Kling-ons, in their opinion, made the transition harder for the child. So I dumped and ran when I could. But running ability is hampered when the dumpee is still attached to your leg. [...]