Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » “Bad Romance” guest post from living in zion

By annegb

Mar. 4th, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I have a dear friend who went through a divorce. They were converts to the church and did well for years. Then the husband’s old demons reappeared and he began drinking. It didn’t take long for the marriage to become abusive. Their children were all teenagers when it finally blew apart. After the divorce my friend didn’t date for a year. She was working hard on being the sole support to her family. Then she had a temple recommend interview with her Bishop and Stake President. They both strongly recommended she attend Single Adult activites and begin dating. One of them even gave her money from their own pocket so she could attend a regional activity for singles in another state. She went along with it because she wanted to follow their inspiration.

It didn’t take long for her (she is skinny and cute) to find a new man. Within a few months they got married in the temple (she got a temple divorce from her previous husband) and now it looks rocky. Her still -at -home teenage kids are having a hard time with a new Dad, probably made worse by the fact he is late 40′s, never married, no kids. (That alone is suspicous to me.) Apparently conflict with the kids is the number one problem. I hope they get couple and family counseling so the kids don’t have to go through another divorce.

When my friend told me about her Priesthood leaders pushing her to date, I have to admit I was skeptical. It seemed to make more sense to wait until the kids grew up before introducing another man. My jaded self thought , “They want her to get married so her new husband can deal with her life, instead of putting that burden on Home Teachers and other Priesthood leaders.”

Am I too cynical for my own good? Do church leaders recommend marriage to reduce the rolls of single mothers who drain the resources of the ward?

1. E

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 3:33pm

I doubt they would encourage marriage for that reason. I would imagine they encourage marriage for divorced people for the same reasons they encourage marriage for everyone else. They’re mormons, and mormons think almost everyone should be married.

2. Lon

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 3:35pm

Just going off what is written in the OP, the priesthood leaders did not recommend she get married so fast. They recommended she start dating. Two different things. I do know the Church would really like bishops and SP to limit their advice to that kind of general ‘get out and date’ or even ‘marriage is a good thing’ kind of advice and stay very, very far away from ‘this is the guy for you’ or ‘you really should be married within 6 months’ type of advice. Which isn’t to say that the later don’t happen. Just that they shouldn’t.

That said, I know from my time in the trenches that more than a few members are looking for the later kind of advice and are willing to extrapolate the former if the leader isn’t willing to provide it.

3. annegb

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 4:04pm

I don’t know if you’re too cynical, but this is something that has never come to my mind. I was single for a long time and never experienced that kind of pressure. I think it’s possible they feel a bit sorry for her and are trying to help her. It’s incredibly lonely to be in her position. I remember.

Can’t imagine feeling lonely today, but I imagine if Bill dies before me, I’ll be missing the sound of him puttering around.

4. SilverRain

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 4:12pm

Hah! My leaders are telling me to participate more with the women in my ward. Completely opposite advice . . . and I’m not even close to dating, either.

In other words, it’s a dangerous path to go from “one set of church leaders” to “church leaders”.

After all, we know nothing of the context in which that advice was given.

5. E

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 5:51pm

The other thing that sometimes happens when people make decisions they later regret is, they find someone else to blame for their bad decision. In this case, your friend may be looking back and retroactively assigning responsibility for her decision to marry this guy to her priesthood leaders.

6. annegb

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 6:15pm

Well, I have to confess that my bishop set me up with Bill on a blind date. But his exact words when I expressed reluctance were “Hey, you don’t have to marry the guy.”

7. living in zion

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 6:47pm

Annegb, you crack me up.

I just thought my friend was doing so well on her own, learning to stand on her own two feet and it really threw me when jumped into dating and marriage so dang fast. She told me she sincerely had faith that their advice was what Heavenly Father wanted for her. Of course, as was previously pointed out, dating is a long way from marriage. That is, unless you are a Mormon working under the delusion that every warm fuzzy feeling is direct revelation from heaven.

8. annegb

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 7:29pm

Sarah is convinced she was pushed into marriage the first time–partly by me, but also by her church leaders. I think it’s true and I regret it.

9. Lon

Fri, Mar 4, 2011 @ 7:50pm

I am sure she probably does feel that she was pushed into marriage. Leaders have GOT to be aware of this risk. I had an experience early as a leader where I told a member that I thought they ought to think about training/looking for a better job. This was at an activity, I was in plain clothes, and it was not framed as a ‘the Lord wants you to…’ or anything. It was a comment that they were capable of more and they ought to look into it. Within a week, they quit their job. Their spouse came back to me (in frustration) and asked why I told them to do so. I didn’t. But they took it that way and really suffered for a while. Long term it worked out for the family. But it really affected how I gave advice in the future.

10. C

Sat, Mar 5, 2011 @ 12:08am

As someone who also got pushed hard into a doomed from the beginning marriage that failed I would recommend counselling and NOT from any Church leader, maybe LDS social services

11. queuno

Sat, Mar 5, 2011 @ 12:22am

Lon’s comment reminds me of how whenever my bishop (a medical doctor) gives me some advice, I always make him quantify it — “are you speaking as a Bishop, as a Doctor, or as just as (first name)?”

12. MAC

Sat, Mar 5, 2011 @ 2:21am

I had the same reaction as E @ #5.

Encouraging one to attend a singles conference(s) is not the same as endorsing a rushed marriage to a older bachelor with limited exposure to children.

Maybe I am too cynical for my own good, but if you inventory the actions of the PH leadership and contrast them to the actions of your friend, in the OP, it sounds to me like your friend is afflicted with poor judgement.

13. Kramer

Sat, Mar 5, 2011 @ 7:40am

Maybe they got tired of hearing her weekly complaint about being lonely.

The 40 year old man’s problem with the kids may not be due to the implied perversions, but due to the fact that he’s new to all this and probably needs parenting classes.

BTW, could we PLEASE quit expecting bishops to solve our every problem for us?

14. annegb

Sat, Mar 5, 2011 @ 10:12am

Kramer’s right. They’re people. I would totally suck as a bishop.

15. Bookslinger

Sun, Mar 6, 2011 @ 5:55am

annegb: But you’d be a rockin’ Mother Superior.

16. ESO

Sun, Mar 6, 2011 @ 1:12pm

Two Things:

I DO think that people, especially married people, and perhaps even more Mormon men (?), view marriage as a salve for many wounds. I have certainly had friends jump into future marriage talks with me, and I am just not ready for that talk at all. I know, though, that my friends perceive hurt or suffering or just plain difficulty in my life and try to “solve” it with what is most obviously missing: marriage.

When people make decisions based on THEIR PERCEPTION of religious advice, I think they will often regret it. Think of SO MANY decisions in LDS life (to be baptized, serve a mission, enter a certain marriage, not use birth control, etc etc) that people could EASILY back up with Mormon teachings, both general and specific. If that is the ONLY reason you are doing a certain thing, I think it is probably a poor decision for you.

OK, a third:
I have never wished someone would get married to reduce their dependence on the ward, but I have, in my most un-christian moments, occasionally wished that someone would just move to a different ward.

17. annegb

Sun, Mar 6, 2011 @ 1:38pm

:) I, too, have prayed that prayer, ESO, only to have that person move and be replaced by another problem person. I’ve come to the conclusion that you never get rid of problem people.

I actually thought marriage was the best thing that could happen to me and was so lonely from the age of 23-almost 30 until Bill came along. It turned out not to be the panacea I thought it would be but it was a great love affair for many years.

I think many problems occur in peoples’ lives because they assume our leaders are infallible. Intellectually, we know that’s not true, but emotionally, many Mormons have a hard time making that leap and saying “Are you nuts? I’m SO not going to do that!”