I vote disservice as well.

I think it’s great that we support and serve each other as much as we do in the Church, but I think a lot of moves really don’t need assistance from ward members.

I’m sure many of us have helped in way too many moves where the family or person still didn’t have all of their stuff properly packed up, thus making the experience last a whole lot longer than necessary. I think a good idea may be to have standard protocol wherein the EQ president reminds those asking for help with a move that the packing must be done in advance. To be fair, I realize that there are people in special situations who do need extra help with the little things (maybe a single mom with several kids who truly doesn’t have the time for all that packing), but rarely should ward members have to do the packing.

And if you’re not into bringing us a meal but would like to help you can donate to our Roth IRA this year.

I don’t know anything more about this situation than the email suggests, but my first reaction is that it is manipulative. It suggests that anyone receiving the email has some obligation simply through their membership in the Ward. Behind a few pleasantries, it is essentially a guilt trip.

Recently, we were in Utah for the first time in several years. I got the distinct impression that Church culture, because it is inherently conflict averse, allows many undisciplined individuals to get away with behavior that just wouldn’t fly elsewhere. I can’t think of another group that wouldn’t consider a email like this shameless and rude.

Addressing it to the entire ward also suggests that these people probably haven’t developed the normal reciprocal community relationships. If during their tenure in the ward they had been building other’s parking spaces and painting, they shouldn’t have to ask, ward members would already know.

In essence, maybe these people do need the help, but their email conveys a sense of entitlement that merits a simple reply. Something to the effect of “this is exactly where you can put your paintbrush.”

It is only appropriate under certain circumstances. We moved a couple of blocks ourselves. We were moving to a nicer house so I thought it would be rude to ask people to help with the move. We paid for movers.
If the move is “necessary” I think that people are more willing to help. Why are they moving? Do they have to downsize because of the economy? I’d help. Were they renting and now have bought their first home? I’d help. Did they just have a baby? I’d help. If they had helped me paint my living room, then I’d want to help them paint theirs.

If they have the money to pay for movers, they should pay. If they are moving out of choice, then maybe they should consider taking a vacation day to get the work done.

BTW, it often the job of VT to help clean apartments when someone is moving out. I did it countless times in married student wards. Perhaps just a phone call to visiting teachers or close friends is appropriate for that.

I, however, also think that friends usually are willing to help friends. A mass email to the entire ward is rude, but communicating with real friends about your situation is not.

“my view has always been to ask friends if I need help but otherwise do it myself if possible…”
Of course I always try to do everything myself, but life gets in the way sometimes. I take my children all sorts of places, but occasionally I have to pick up the phone and ask someone to babysit my children, or to give my child a ride. I imagine that during the couple weeks of moving I would be stressed out and friends would be willing to help on a limited basis.

Sounds like they need the yellow pages.

9. jks – Friends are also willing to tell me to pound sand if I am over the top…

10. bbell thanks

That would be “huge”. I would avoid Mr. Hugh Disservice.

My probably response, to their face “Are you out of your mind???”

Jendoop, Elder Oaks made those comments in the most recent training broadcast.

Well…how often have we complained about people suffering in silence or whining after the fact that they didn’t get help when they just didn’t ask for it? Sure, this is extreme. It shows some social deafness. Probably an abuse of the ward e-mail list. But really, subtract the plea for dinners, and send it out to true friends, and it is at least a precise list of what needs to be done. Presumably, I, a friend, would be happy to help and can scan the list for a chore I don’t hate and offer my service.

It might be possible to essentially take them at their word. They ask for one or two hours over the next couple of weeks. So a member of the ward could show up and say “I have two hours to help out today” and work for two hours and then leave, being very strict about the time factor and having the attitude that his/her responsibility to help has been completely fulfilled.

Having said that, the ward directory is not an invitation to coordinate your own move and the help associated with that effort. That is what the Elders Quorum presidents and Relief Society presidents are for – he’s supposed to recruit and encourage ward members to help out … so I see this as an effort to bypass/usurp the leadership roles of others in the ward as well as an abuse of the privileges/responsibilities associated with receiving a ward directory. If I were an EQP in this ward, and this email went out, I would be sorely *tempted* to divorce myself from the project entirely.

I kinda like this approach.

Thanks Devyn. “This too shall pass,” is a great mantra.

26. annegb – I will keep you posted…

27. jendoop – yes, it worked for us in those painful situations. We still have a relationship with the foster child too – well she is now 20 so I guess an adult

28. living in zion – I would not feel conflicted – if they had the means to hire someone, then that is their choice and not your problem. Mormon guilt is very powerful and it forces us to do things that are more of a disservice. Maybe I am too jaded after being disserved too many times…

#28-I would not feel guilty at all. Almost every ward has people who only take and never give help. In the end they wind up reaping what they sow.

#30-The BCC is a good idea. I’ll have to try that.

When my wife was compassionate service leader a couple in our ward had an infant who was having minor surgery. My wife was contacted by the mother and told that her parents were coming to stay at the home during the surgery so they would need four meals brought in, rather than two. It was pure irony. I think this woman thought that meals being brought in were a prize you got for someone in your home having surgery.

Several years ago, we lived in a very poor area with lots of welfare needs. Most recipients were great about it, but occasionally there were abuses. My favorite was this morbidly obese sister (who often loudly proclaimed to everyone upon arriving at church hat she was in need of welfare) who called up a member of the elder’s quorum presidency and said brusquely, “I don’t have any food in my house. I need you to go get me some. I’d like the ten-piece meal at Church’s Chicken. Please hurry.”

I think he ended up calling the branch president who informed him that she had received a food order that week from the bishops’ storehouse and that she had been told that she should only go through the branch president for welfare needs so as to avoid duplication of effort. So he called her back, told her as much, and she didn’t call him again. As soon as she got a new home teacher though, she tried the similar tactics on him.

#38 – LOVE IT! Though, I wonder why these drivers didn’t report the “need” to the RS or Elder’s Quorum Presidents… If one truly believes another ward member has such a need, it should be reported ASAP.

If in the same situation, I think (hopefully!) I would remind the starving sister that on the Sabbath we avoid purchasing anything and offer to bring her part of our Sunday meal later in the day. Then, I would probably raid the diaper bag and offer her some Cheerios and a sippy cup. Hunger is hunger. :)