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| Wednesday, June 19, 2013 |
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There must be something wrong with them if they are willing go do this! |
I think it’s awesome. Whatever works, you know? The problem is meeting people. Most singles only have time to meet those who are in their ward or at work. That limits your pool considerably. Anything that increases your chances is great. |
This might be a total derail, but I do have a point. What I’d like to know is why you asked “if you had a friend or loved one interested in” this, not if any of us particularly would. Are there no single adults in the audience to ask if they would do it themselves? I ask this because so often I see us single adults talked *about* but not *to* in the Bloggernacle. Just last week I was listening to a podcast in which young single adults were equated with YW and YM with no sense of irony whatsoever, in which the participants were saying that the great inactivity rates we’re dealing with in the church among singles grows out of how we teach our youth. Sure, but that has nothing to do with the situation that singles are *currently* in, and not one of the panelists were either single or attacking the problem head-on with what can be done *now* for currently-single people. And not one of the panelists was single, either, which I found condescending. I wouldn’t really ever do something like this, myself, but I’ve done the online dating thing more times than I can count. I find the main TV show to be an abomination–yep, that’s a great way to describe it. It’s all about superficiality. I prefer meeting someone in person, making a real-life connection based on common interests and good conversation. But some people can make it work. Note, though, that not one of the relationships to come out of the Bachelor/Bachelorette show has ever resulted in a long-term successful marriage. One wonders why Mormons would think the method would be any less superficial for us just because sex isn’t involved pre-wedding. Yet singles’ wards aren’t the answer for most of us that have made it past, say, 27 or 28 in them, because the culture of a singles’ ward–and, really, Mormon culture–is to brand even a 24 or 25-year-old an old maid or damaged goods if she’s anything but perfect physically, mentally, emotionally. Just because you make it to 30, 32, or even 35 without getting married doesn’t mean there’s “something wrong with them,” to quote #1–it’s something you hear ALL. THE. TIME. about singles, whether it’s because they’ve decided to take their chances with a shallow internet TV program or because they’re women who went ahead and got that master’s because it’s not like there was a man knocking down the door, even if she didn’t plan for a master’s when she started out. I don’t think there’s even something wrong with them if they decide to go inactive, most of the time. Often it’s because they get kicked out of the ghetto of the singles’ ward and are basically told, if somewhat unspoken, that because they turn the magical age of 31 somehow they’re not worthy of being dated and they’re certainly not an equal member of the community. We all have our baggage. Even imperfect people get married though. I see it happen all the time, whether at 18 or at 40. I’m pretty sure no married person in the Bloggernacle would claim that what got them married was the fact that they somehow were more perfect than their nearest “too-long-a-single” (IS there such a thing? pssh) single friend. And if they do, there’s something wrong with THEM. |
E–really? I can understand, as MCQ said, wanting to widen the pool. I just wouldn’t really want to do it on YouTube. But hey, maybe that brings in other applicants. MCQ–good point. I guess this seems to me to be particularly useful for people who don’t live in the intermountain west, but maybe that is discriminatory. Stacer–good question. I think it is generally easier for people to address hypotheticals with someone other than themselves. I didn’t want anyone to feel too defensive. And my term of too-long-a-single is how many of these audtitioners seem to see themselves. I am not telling them they have been single too long. Some of them are 25. |
Sorry to have offended. It was meant as a lighthearted sort of comment. I wouldn’t want to do it but I should have added a ;) at the end of my first post. |
Putting yourself on Youtube isn’t much different than putting yourself on a dating site, is it? Some dating sites let you upload video as well as still photos. One of my favorite stories comes from a sister in Indianapolis who said she moved here because the Spirit told her to, but did not receive a reason why she was supposed to move here. She said that in her introductory sacrament meeting talk, before she showed up at the local Single Adults scene, where she met and fell in love with someone at first site. And she married the guy, too. So I suppose you could seek revelation about how/where to find a spouse like Nephi, “whither shall I go to get food/ore?” (1 Nephi 16:23, 1 Nephi 17:9) |
[...] Mormon Mentality – Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » This … [...] |
I’d try it. Because it’s not really about getting married, it’s about having fun. That whole process would be a blast. Talk about shaking you out of your comfort zone! But then, again, I’m neither a size 6, nor in my 20s, so while I’d be disqualified for looks on the ABC show, and disqualified for age and post-marital status on the LDS version. And those of us “broken” and “defiled” divorcees with children can’t even move where the Spirit directs. ;) True story: I overheard an extremely cocky, nasty little man (he was tall, but his personality was a 0) talking to a buddy at an LDS singles’ activity. This drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman about his age (late forties, I’m guessing) walked by and he said “hi” to her. As soon as she was gone, he turned to his friend and said, “I’d date her, but I’d never marry her. She’s hot, but she’s got six kids from two different marriages. I just wouldn’t want to deal with that.” There was more, but it got worse from there and I don’t care to repeat it. |
It looks interesting, from an entertainment standpoint. I don’t think it’s necessary to consider any deeper implication or meaning. The women are beautiful, they sure don’t look desperate. It’s all a good show. Period. I’d say this to a friend “not my cup of tea, but if you want to, knock yourself out.” |
Stacer–You might have forgotten the first Bachelor couple. They’re married and have at least one kid (two if I’m not mistaken but I’m going to go ahead and say for sure they have one). So saying “not one of the relationships…resulted in a long-term marriage” is incorrect unless you are suggesting that the show hasn’t been around long enough to qualify as long-term; which in that case it’s better to state the success rate is not yet proven. Yes the fail rate is pretty high but that’s a given in any relationship. Most people are in more relationships than they are marriages. I wouldn’t do online dating or the Youtube experience unless I lived in a drastically small pool. Which if that be the case, I might look into (transferring to a different school/moving to an area) that offered a greater social circle. |
“Note, though, that not one of the relationships to come out of the Bachelor/Bachelorette show has ever resulted in a long-term successful marriage” Totally false. You don’t know what you’re talking about. |
SR: re: divorcees can’t move (presumably because the ex has joint custody or visitation?). In that case, you’ll just have to pray that your “intended” future husband gets a revelation to move to _your_ ward/stake. :-) I imagine it would be extremely difficult, or maybe impossible, for a guy in his 40′s who has never had kids, to adjust to marrying a woman who already has older (over age 10 or so?) children. While travelling in a different part of the country, I once met a drop-dead gorgeous LDS women in her 40′s (same age as me) who said she had 7 kids. Accoording to her, they were all hurt when her husband abandoned them, and she wasn’t going to consider remarrying until the youngest grew up and moved out. I think Dr. Laura backs that up, telling divorced women not to remarry until the youngest child is at least 18. This woman had looks, brains, and personality; and she made me very comfortable to be around her. If I had had a temple recommend in my wallet, I would have proposed to her, or at least moved to that city, and her ward, in order to get to know her better. She was soooo hot, physically and personality wise, and seemed to meld so well with my mental picture of my “dream girl” that I would have risked joining a family with 7 ready-made kids (if they were all well-behaved and active in the church, etc., which, I know, would be a long-shot.) Around here, most LDS singles over 30 who get married, do so after finding each other on the LDS dating web site. |
er, on ONE OF the LDS dating web siteS. (ldssingles.com, ldsmingle.com, ldsplanet.com) |
MCQ is going to drop some reality show FACT on ESO! |
It was Stacer that said that, arJ. And I don’t claim to have a bunch of facts to report, but I know that there have been some relationships that have worked out in the time those shows have been on. In any case, there’s no reason to suppose church members couldn’t make their relationships work if they meet in a similar fashion. |
The key here is taking Hollywood out of it. We can’t really say if the Bachelor/Ette produced successful because like almost every Love story in Hollywood, the Marriage comes at the END. That is so not real life. I like that MCQ said “There’s no reason to suppose church members couldn’t make theri relationships work if they meet in a similar fashion.” The key to making the relationship work is remembering that the Wedding is the Starting line, not the finish line. |
Bookslinger—Theoretically, we can move, but the cost is high if we move more than a few miles. It’s like a game of chicken: first one to move has to pay the money for visitation transportation. And yes, just one more reason why no decent LDS man would want to marry a person with so much baggage. But don’t quote Dr. Laura to me, please. Not if you want to support your point. Dr. Laura is . . . shall we say as gently as possible . . . not a person whose advice I respect in the least. I tried the LDS dating sites for awhile, but found that my black marks were too dark unless the guy was twice my age. OKCupid is free, so that’s my token effort. If only I could find a man around my age who had a developed personality AND was LDS. ;) |
More power to them if it works. I think it is pretty creative! |
MCQ, I was responding to the person that said, “Totally false.” I thought that was you. My apologies if it was not. |
I said that, but it was not ESO who said the original thing that I was saying was false, it was Stacer. |
Yup–I’m never wrong. MCQ knows that. |
I so stipulate. |
I retract my #14 entirely and apologize to everyone involved. |
10-15 years ago I used to think it was funny when I met people who had met online and got married. Now these couples are so common it not so odd to me anymore. So I guess that I am good with the Mormon Bacholer |
SR: I have to take exception to your statement that no decent LDS man would marry someone with so much baggage. (Assuming by baggage, you meant children at home, and not being able to relocate away from the ex.) Blended families seem to be common these days. Not all single guys are child-phobic. And there are even some divorced guys who’ve been humbled and can handle marrying someone with kids. I don’t think being over 30, divorced or having children qualifies as a black mark these days. Of course, one’s options are going to be different than someone who is under 30, never married, and without kids. But in looking for a spouse, one doesn’t need a million right options, only one right one. From what I’ve read about your story in your various comments on blogs, you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologize for. I used to think no decent LDS woman would want me. But then I realized there are many women who’ve gone through things similar to what I have, and who’ve come back to church (or joined), as I have, and would see me and my background as a kindred spirit to them. IE, there are matches that can be made, no matter how messed up our past or present. (Did I mention the story of the active-alcoholic LDS guy I knew, who married a recovered-alcoholic non-member, who then got him off booze, and then he got her into the church? Or the 40-something mentally challenged widow now engaged to the 50-something widower, and they both think they’ve won the lottery? ) Joseph Smith told Newell Whitney in Kirtland “you prayed me here”, so, theoretically, it’s possible for you to pray your future husband to your ward or stake. Eh, it could happen. Seriously. I figure if the Lord can hook me up with all these Ethiopians, Filipinos, Zimbabweans, etc., then He has the ability to hook me up with the future Mrs. Bookslinger. And if the Lord is looking after such a sinner and jerk as me, He must really care about someone like you. You’re important. You have real live little people to take care of. |
Sorry, Bookslinger. I was being deliberately sardonic, trying to speak from the perspective of the men like the one I was using as an example, NOT trying to generalize it to all men. I often forget my tone of voice doesn’t translate into type very well when I’m in a snippy mood. Sometimes that’s a good things, sometimes not so much. I am very aware that the good men don’t feel that way. In fact, on my good days, I’m grateful for the difficulties my life offers, because it helps weed out the shallow ones. On my bad days, I wonder how on earth I’m supposed to FIND the good men in the first place. ;) And I think my black marks online go beyond having kids and being divorced, but I’m okay with those black marks, too. Please don’t sell yourself short. You’re amazing, and I happen to know you’re admired by some equally amazing people. |
Why can’t you two just get together? |
:) |
MCQ: I’m one of those shallow child-hating committment-phobic men she’s complaining about. I don’t hate all children. Just those who aren’t perfect Stepford(tm)-children. SR: what’s your handle on Okcupid? :-) |
You know, if you wait a few more years to marry, you might want to marry a woman with kids. So you will have somebody to care for you in your old. Change your diapers……you might come to love “children.” |
anngeb: Yeah, I’m at the age (over 50) I could marry someone with grown kids. Hey, that’s the ticket. I need to marry someone whose kids are grown with _grandkids_. Spoil those little suckers for a couple hours, and back they go to their parents. |
I admit, I’ve watched the Bachelor. But it’s yucky. It doesn’t seem to me like something you would want to emulate. And most importantly, it doesn’t work. ONE COUPLE is still together after seasons and seasons of this, and it was The Bachelorette, not The Bachelor. |
