MITT ROMNEY:

1. Good job letting the gray/white in on the hair. Use less hair spray–or whatever makes it so shiny. Get it layered and shortened, but not in the back, so you’re not combing it back on the side. Go shorter.

2. Take a day off. Don’t shave. Put on some good levis and a T-shirt. Have a picture taken early in the morning when you take out the trash. Or some other menial labor that really rich people do….jog with your teenage grandson? Look a bit miffed when caught, then laugh, and make a joke written by uh, Ray Romano. Or Jon Stewart. Either one.

3. Or, I know! Take a run down to Dunkin Donuts (in your beat up old truck), arrange a flat tire and change it. (I suppose you could drive by someone WITH a flat tire, a little old lady). Still make a joke by a good comedian. Maybe the writers of Seth Rogen’s lines from 50-50 (without the F word). Oh! The little old lady could say something like “You’re a hell of a lot more down to earth than I thought.” (I could be the little old lady, for a reasonable fee).

4. Pretend you think the mike’s off and say something like “Barak Obama and I differ a lot, but did you hear him sing? He’s pretty damn good.” Make sure you say “damn.”

5. Hire your debate coach back because the ****’s about to hit the fan. Seriously. Stick to your moderation convictions. Make a speech about “moderation in all things” and defend moderates. Use some good lines. Which I will think up and send you. Compare yourself to Santorum with “I wouldn’t want my daughter to get an abortion, but she has the right to choose. If she did, I’d love her because I know she’d be going through hell.”

**If anybody presents you with that fictional situation in a debate, scoff. Say, “well, I know what you WANT me to say, but I haven’t been in that situation and it’s a cheap shot to throw out fairy tales. What did you do when you were in that situation?”

Yeah, get that debate coach back.

SANTORUM:

1. Let your hair grow a bit, but get it cut so it doesn’t look shaggy. Look less like a religious radical and more like a tolerant hippy. Talk about smoking pot in college and laughing for hours. Once.

2. Gather your friends (do you have any) of other faiths—hopefully, you have a Muslim friend and make a speech somewhere in an event about diversity. Say something like “I met Ahmed in college. We bowled together. We talked about our beliefs and realized we had a lot in common. Now, I didn’t convert to Islam and he didn’t convert to Catholicism. We are still friends–had lunch at McDonald’s the other day. I don’t choose my friends based on what they believe religiously. BUT I expect my president to tell the truth about what he believes. I’m not a bigot, I don’t hate Saudis because of 9/11. My friend, Ahmed, will testify to that. I do hate pretense used for political gain.” He could point out his Mormon friend, his Budhist friend, his atheist friend and say “this is what we all have in common. We believe in integrity. We believe in serving our fellow man. We believe Barak Obama hasn’t been good for this country.” (This is risky and I write this not knowing much about his history. Could come back to bite him, but his speech writers could adjust).

3. Never use the word “devil” in a sentence again.

4. Give speeches about how much you honor the Bill of Rights and the Supreme Court. How, despite your convictions about abortion, you have a cousin who felt an abortion was necessary. You love her. You don’t judge her. You wish she’d made a different choice—you would have loved that baby! Do it making the distinction that morals in America have fallen and someone needs to stand up. But one moral is “love one another” and that has to be paramount.

Maybe that’s not do-able.

5. Better yet, change the subject. Get Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman to endorse you and talk about money. Couponing. Price of gas. How your grandma lived well on beans and corn bread.

GINGRICH:

1. You can’t do much about what happened when you were in Congress. Or your looks. Or your seeming hypocrisy in claiming to endorse conservative values (which only seems to apply to capitalism) while a. cheating on two wives b. committing crimes while serving in Congress. Plus your wife looks so Stepford-ish. Or like a blow-up doll. Definitely not somebody you’d want to live next door to. You over shot on that one, going from dumping your wife because you didn’t think she was pretty enough (are you kidding me? I want so slap you for that—if that’s the only thing you did and in every other thing, I totally agreed with you, I still wouldn’t vote for you) to a real live dollar store Barbie imitation who needs to go to the wizard to get a brain.

I guess I can’t help you.

RON PAUL:

1. save money, time and energy. Drop out.

ROSEANNE:

1. Join Romney or Santorum and give them some good lines. Appear with them. If you can’t make yourself do that, enjoy my vote. Yeah, if you get on the ballot in Utah, that one vote—-it’s me.

OBAMA:

1. Sing more, baby. I’m helpless before Motown. Also if you could get Antonio Banderas to back you and give some speeches, I’d enjoy that, too. I’ll still probably vote for Motown, but seriously, I think you could quit your day job. And I’m a musical enjoyment genius. You’ve got style. Hell, you could probably be in the movies.

2. Kneel before Michelle every day and thank her for existing. I’d vote for her. I think she totally rocks and I’m so sick of the cheap shots. Maybe you could get a good line from Roseanne to defend your wife. Make a video of sparring in the ring and say to whoever’s bitched about the way she breathed “Bring it. I took care of Obama and I’ll take care of anybody who steps on the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Did I miss anybody? Oh well. You heard it first, I’m putting a “Roseanne for President” sign in my yard. Right next to Bill’s “Mitt Rocks” sign.

PS: Oh! I forgot….to all of you, suck up to David Gregory.

PSS: To the Republican party, heard speculation and questions about maybe you guys should have a plan B person because if Santorum kicks Romney’s butt, you can’t win. Hmmm…..is there a conservative moderate with a great sense of humor and nice wife who’s not loaded. And can sing?