First of all, having a spouse does not cost money. Two can live as cheaply as one, and if either one of them are working, they should be okay. Plus, most students can get finacial aid to cover expenses. The problem comes not with trying to have a spouse but with trying to have children while in school. That’s not a good idea, in my opinion, but everyone has to live their own life.

both sides of the family chip in to help cover the cost of an apartment, food, and other things tuition does not cover

Wait, what? What do you mean “tuition does not cover?” Since when are your expenses covered by tuition? Tuition is something you pay to go to school. Are you saying he’s on scholarship, and the scholarship covers some expenses? Or are you talking about student loans?

The first couple seems like they don’t really need financial help. The wife has a college degree and can probably get a better job than Wall-mart. The husband should get student loans to cover expenses, not live off parents. Sometimes parents offer to help so that the couple can avoid getting into too much debt. If that’s the case, God bless them. It’s no one else’s business, really.

The second couple sounds like they maybe shoulld have waited to have kids until they could afford to do it, but I know a lot of people who follow that path, and especially if you have parents willing to pitch in, it’s hard to understand why anyone else should complain.

You seem hung up on the idea of “duty.” There’s no “duty” to support your children once they are adults, but if they need your help and you can afford to help them, then it’s certainly a nice thing to do, especially when they are students. I was always grateful for the help my parents gave me through school, so I would always try to do what I could for my own children, but that doesn’t meanI have a duty to do it.

I would counsel my children to try to be prudent and not bite off more than they can chew, but if they need my help I will try to help them. I think having them live with me would mostly be a blessing, so I would always be willing to offer that, unless they were abusing the privilege somehow.

LIZ and Stephen, I share your pain and dread. Our kids have stayed with us from time when going through divorce, etc. Hated it. Even my easiest child drove me nuts. I didn’t enjoy living with my children that much when they were children, let alone adults who boss me around.

We have also helped our children financially from time to time. It hasn’t been over the top and I’ve thought of it as “giving” rather than “lending” because if I loan money, I turn into a loan shark and go after whoever owes me money.

So, two ways to ruin a relationship with me: borrow money or move in with me.

To answer your questions:

1. No. No duty. Hate that word duty.
2. You know, I’m not proud of it, but I tend to feel more protective and helpful of my girls. Which I just realized and now feel bad about, so tomorrow I’m going to do something really nice for Jared.

3. Yes, grandchildren absolutely make it different. They’re kids and if they need something, I’m sort of all over that.

4. If people have the money, I think it’s okay to help their kids while in college. And when they graduate, they get a job and the assistance ends. Otherwise, it’s a bad idea for it to be on-going without a definite clear cut understanding (I’ll pay your rent for three months and then you’ll have to live on the street).

That answers five as well, I guess. Bottom line, I made my kids get jobs while they were very young, I believe in kids working, and I’m really terrible to owe money to, so my kids tend to avoid asking.

Now we’re old and poor, so they know they’re on their own. And I told my kids nobody could ever live with me again after this last go-round. My sister said “that would hurt my kids’ feelings.” But her kids move in with her all the time and their kids, too. I say, better to hurt their feelings than for them to drive me to commit murder.

I think young couples have a struggle, but I expect them to handle most of the challenges that come along. In other words, Act like an adult, even if you are acting.

Our youngest married 19 months ago, and lives across town in a 500 sqft apartment. She was not able to find a job in her field here, so she substitute teaches part time. He works 20 hours a week while finishing college. The baby is due this spring. They were scraping by nicely—is she frugal!!, plus student grants– until he had an accident last fall that dumped $22,000 in medical/hospital bills on them. Now they are getting slight help; we’ve paid off the worst bill, because if was just overwhelming, and taught them how to negotiate the rest lower. They’re paying off the rest, on payment plans they set up. I “share” as I can, without hurting their dignity, like buying a 50 lb bag of produce that will go bad before the two of us can eat it, so they “have to” take some. We also pay him to cut the lawn, since neither of us can do it, and we’d have to pay someone…better to pay family. They’re doing okay. Poverty won’t kill them—I’m watching too closely.

I find it odd that our ward EXPECTS couples to need parental help. I can’t count the number of times people (leaders, mostly) who call here asking for them, and are flatly disbelieving when I offer their phone numbers, since they don’t live here. “what?? They’re newlyweds, of course they live with you! How can they have their own household?”

In our ward, there are several young married couples, not a lot. I think three of them live with their parents. Why would I allow that, except in dire circumstances?? If you’re old enough to make a family, you should act like a free standing unit. I think we Old Ones should assume they can make it, on their own, then let them, while watching to make sure the struggle doesn’t become real suffering.

When I got married my parents reduced how much they helped me through college. I plan to try to help my kids through college if we can reasonably afford it but I don’t plan to penalize them for getting married.

With the church teaching the importance of self-sufficiency, where do you draw the line?

I don’t think you draw lines.

Yes, self-sufficiency is important, and no help should just be assumed by young couples. They should do what they can on their own and assume they will need to make it somehow without help. But if unforseen circumstances arise, or parents see that things are not going well, offering help as needed and if it can be offered is certainly a good thing, not a bad thing.

I don’t see why we need to draw lines or lay down rules ahead of time. Every circumstance is different, and saying you will never do something is a great way to end up learning the lesson of why you might need to.

Church HQ, so true. Because you never know what you’re going to do. But you should set some expectations or it can ruin a relationship.

I’m having trouble understanding what you are trying to say. How is being married or single related to self-sufficiency? Are you saying that it’s ok for single people to “mooch” but only the “self-sufficient” should get married? Why? Are you thinking that somehow being married costs more than being single? How?

A married couple eats more food than 2 single people? A married couple needs more space to live in than 2 single people? What are the “more bills to pay”? I can’t think of any bills at all that I have as a married person that I would not have as a single person. Can you name any expense at all that married people have that single people do not?

Lol wow. Newlyhousewife, it seems there are A LOT of defensive parents reading this post! People, calm down! When I got married, my expenses went up! When I was single, I was able to live with three (or sometimes more) other girls. We split rent and utilities equally. We also purchased common items (like cleaning supplies, TP, butter, sugar, etc) together, making it cheaper. When I got married and moved in with my husband, it was only two of us paying for all of this now. So yes, it cost more! Stop harping on the details and focus on the point of this post.

My parents are quite wealthy and I never was wanting for anything growing up. However, my dad gave me enough money to do something with, but never excessive. When I went off to college, my parents agreed to pay for my first year and then I was on my own. I was smart and did an excelerated program and got my Associates in that year. After that, I got a full time job and paid for school on my own. That continued after I was married. My parents give us cash gifts from time to time (mainly at Christmas and birthdays) but that is it. We have been married for 5 years and do not have kids yet as we couldn’t afford then before. We are better off now and are trying. My parents would NEVER just take on our bills. They will and have helped out when needed, but it is our job to be grown ups and figure life out on our own. This begins at adulthood, not married life. I wish my parents paid for everything, but I know I wouldn’t have the life knowledge I have now.

It hasn’t been an easy road, but it was worth it, an. I am so grateful my parents raised me to be independent. My husband and I both work full time jobs and he goes to night school. If I get pregnant, I will have to continue to work after the baby is born. It is not ideal, but I am at peace with it and it is what will work for our family.

Good points, Aimee. You have smart parents.

For all my beliefs to the contrary, I’d probably be a small welfare state all on my own were I rich.

I don’t know what the statistics are, but I do know a lot of “shiftless” young people who do “mooch off” their parents. It seems, to some extent, to be a generational thing. A lot of 30-somethings living at home. I have one friend whose three sons–40′s! and grandson live at her home, but she’s obviously nuts. I keep begging her to throw them out on the street, but she won’t.

Aimee, it’s easy to decide we’re being defensive when you’re not in the situation. And maybe you never will be. Please God, none of us here will be. But you get a little older, maybe you’re not extremely wealthy, your health starts to go, you begin to do some of that frugal living I mentioned earlier and you dread the thought of your kids crapping out. And oh—those cute little kids? Not so cute when they’re 25. No fun at all to live with.

Although, to be fair, NH’s topic was helping kids through school, I think. If I had the means and my kids were in college, I’d help them as much as I could, married or single.

But I wouldn’t consider it my duty.

Oh, trust me, they’re out there. Multitudes of them. But I guess they always have been. My mother and uncle sure mooched off my grandma all the time.