The only trick I know is to set an example and bribe them with food/toys/money after. I think most of it has to do with the community approach. Even if a horribly behaved child attended an Amish wedding and saw everyone else behaving the kid might not act out due to embarrassment, curiosity (when have you seen the pews quiet on Sunday), and/or pressure to conform.

One of my friends who is from a family of ten says her parents never had to deal with a public tantrum because they squashed it with the first, and the rest followed suit.

#2 – Yeah, I thought the same thing about Michelle Duggar. I read some posts and talked to people who were raised with the Duggars approach to child rearing and had to take pause. On the outside looking in, the Duggar way looks pretty good. From the inside out….I dunno.

I’ve been a mom for 15 years. I would say that the #1 key to teaching children to behave is consistency. From the time my children were babies, I tried to never say anything to them I didn’t absolutely mean and wasn’t willing to back up. It works.
I saw plenty of moms around me who would say “No” to their kids, but then the kid did it again and nothing happened. What does a kid learn? That it doesn’t matter what mom says.
It becomes very difficult to pay attention when you are distracted. If the rule is no jumping on the couch one day, it needs to be the rule forever, so if you are too busy to pay attention and your kids jump on the couch they learn that jumping on the couch is ok as long as parents don’t notice. Again, don’t make a rule if it is something that you can’t back up 100% of the time.
The method of backing it up (whether time out, spanking, removing the child or redirecting or whatever) is actually less important than the fact that it happens right away and it is consistent.
I find that fewer rules that are always enforced helps kids learn to behave and also when you do speak they know you mean it.
Other tips include before we go somewhere I tell them what I expect of them. 1) After we leave I tell them what they did right and if they did something wrong I tell them they should work on that. 2) I pay attention to them when they are happy and behaving, that way they are never acting out just to get attention.
I’m trying to think of how I do things with my older kids because it seems a little different now with my almost 15 and 13 year olds. They speak respectfully and they obey and work hard at school and don’t complain. (They do try to get away with the minimum of chores though). With them I feel like the secret is talking. Talking a lot. Age 10 is a good time to teach them and talk to them. I pretty much decided I wanted to teach my teenagers everything they needed to know about life by age 14 so that if they decided to quit listening to me I wouldn’t regret not teaching them something and I started at age 10. I think I have pretty much succeeded with my oldest…..if she were starting college this week rather than high school I would almost be ok with that.
Now, all of my “advice” might be useful. It is working for me and I need constant reminders to stay focused for my 8 and 4 year olds because life is busy and it can be hard to be consistent. However, I realize that every parent is different and every child is different. For me, having children who behave and learn are my top priority. For my sister in law, for instance, her top priority is having kids who know they are loved and are emotionally healthy. When I see them discipline their children they have a completely different focus. For me, I assume my kids will feel loved and I think having a stable home with consistent parents and the structure of knowing what to expect is healthy for them. I tell them I love them, I take care of them, I treat them with respect, I hug them, I spend time with them, I have no doubts that my children will feel loved so when my child doesn’t want to eat 1 bite of a vegetable I handle it differently than other parents feel a need to keep something else at the top of their list. For me, I think it is wrong for my 8 year old child to never eat a vegetable and so I want them to have a bite of a vegetable each meal that I serve a vegetable (as long as they haven’t vomited previously from eating it or something, it isn’t torture it is a piece of lettuce) and so I make it happen with minimum drama.

The main thing the Duggars have in common with the Amish/Mennonites is how much access their children have to the rest of the world. The Duggars watch no television and only utilize computers for schoolwork. They homeschool and their children (even the teenagers and young adults) only socialize with others of their faith. Their entire world revolves around their home, their family, and their faith.

While this seems impressive (And who hasn’t wished for a “perfect” child? My 3-year-old is trying to unburden the baby of his fingers as I type.), I don’t think this is necessarily the best way to raise children regardless of how well behaved they are.

As discussed in the first post, our job as parents is to prepare our children to become adults and manage in the world around them. While the Duggar’s oldest boy has followed in his father’s footsteps in his career choice (selling used cars), not all of their children can choose that for their professions. At some point, they’ll need a college education and to learn how live IN the world. I think these families are very sheltered, and I’m curious to see how their children fair in the long run.

I don’t think I would trade “perfect” children for the struggling adults I fear they will become. I’ll take a little less perfection and a bit more reality.

LIZ, seriously, if you haven’t already, check out Nicholeen Peck’s web site. http://www.teachingselfgovernment.com

I discovered her via her blog posts at http://www.Millennialstar.org.

The stuff she has written at M* makes so much sense.

She and her husband have been billed as the “World’s Strictest Parents.” But even the hard-core problem teens that they have taken in as foster children love them.

Kids can be well-behaved without such strict discipline that it crushes their spirits. However, I am appalled at at lot of parenting we have going on in this country because a lot of kids behave really badly and have no respect for authority. Sure there are the parents who just don’t care, but a lot of really good parents who are really trying are completely stressed out because they can’t control their parents. Poor behaved children crush the spirits of their parents! If my preschooler is whining it means I can’t concentrate on my responsibilities. If I can’t trust my children to do what they are supposed to do it means I have to worry about them all the time.
If you take the example of badly behaved kids at church, whose spirit is being crushed? Believe me, every second you take teaching a 3 year old how to behave pays off down the road when they are 5 or 7 or 10 or 12 or 15.
I don’t mean to make it sound like I have all the secrets to parenting, but it is so obvious sometimes when you have a parent whose child acts out but they go to daycare and behave well. Can’t tell you how many times my daycare providing friend saw the difference in how her charges acted with their parents. And just the other day when someone told me my oldest was great but added that she probably had her moments at home I found I could not think of any “moments” at home besides that she gets irritated at her little sister but since I see her trying really hard to not cross any lines or make her tone too rude even if she is irritated I figure that’s all I ask. So my children are comfortable trying to be their best selves both at home and away from home.
I enjoyed this article about someone’s observations about French parenting vs. American parenting. Just like the Chinese tiger mom stuff, I find that as an American I can take an objective view of our style of parenting vs. other cultures and even though I in general want to stay within my culture, I see no need to indulge in the worst aspects of American parenting.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html

Bookslinger – Often a daycare (or home daycare mom) has to have structure and a schedule in order to function successfully. If it is time for nap or time to eat the kid doesn’t get to whine (or cry) and say they don’t want to. So, a childcare provider has more conviction behind a “no.” Whether it is “no, it is not time to play that you need to wait until after lunch” or “you need to stay on the couch for quiet time” the child knows whether or not the adult saying it actually means it. Often, tired, stressed out parents will give in or forget or not pay attention. For the stressed out parent it is easier in the short term to give in when a child keeps whining. A adult who wants to stay sane in the long run won’t give in and then the child learns to accept the no on the first time around.
So my friend who was a daycare provider for years (I myself only did it for 1 year) noticed that the kids she had taught to speak in normal (not whiny voices) and who she had taught that no meant no, would greet their parents and over the years in that 5 minutes every day she noticed some would ask for something and whine and pester and after an initial no their parents would give in.
Now, lest you think my friend was mean or strict or something here is another example. She taught nursery for years. She would insist the children take turns if they were fighting over a toy. So when a child cried she would explain that in 5 minutes it would be their turn. When other parents were “helping” they would notice that their child would forget about it and so therefore, no longer needed the toy at the 5 minute mark! However, my friend would follow through and find the child who she had previously promised a turn and produce the toy. What did the child learn? That this adult means it when she says I will get a turn in 5 minutes. However, the parent of said child that probably often promises “later” (and I admit this is so tempting and I can be guilty of it) but then assumes the child forgets and doesn’t follow through. The child learns from that parent that you can’t trust that later will ever happen so you should keep insisting and whining to get it now before you lose your chance.
I have had four kids with very different personalities but I never “gave in” to buy something at the store when they asked and so the whining never happened.
My husband, luckily, was on the same page with me because he remembered a 4 hour drive with his SIL and niece and nephew. The kids were fighting. She told them if you keep fighting you won’t get McDonalds icecream when we get back home. They kept fighting. It was horrible. She told them “That’s it. No icecream from McDonalds.” Tears, crying, wailing. Eventually they get to McDonalds and she pulled into the drive thru and ordered icecream for the kids. What did they learn? Kids are smart and learn what the adults around them teach them. They learned that it didn’t matter whether they fought or not, they could still get what they want. They learned that mom’s threats are empty so don’t pay attention. They learned that whining works in get their way.
One of the reasons I am typing this is my youngest is only 4 and I have to remind myself of these things because they are so easy to not do when you are busy. So as I think about these concepts I am thinking about where I am falling short and need to have more follow through because long term it really means less stress as a parent. Because it is important to my husband and me that we have kids who behave well, obey and do what they are told, speak respectfully to us even when they are teenagers, and don’t cause disruptions, etc. we focus on being consistent and following through. However, I realize that other parents do not have it as a priority and so they spend their energies on other things. It’s not like my family is perfect or anything, but this happens to be one of the things we do fairly well and it is something that has taken work. We didn’t have particularly naturally obedient children.

One of my concerns about a large family (like the Duggars) is that usually the oldest children do a disproportionate amount of raising the younger kids. This is really not fair to anyone, to the older kids who don’t get a childhood to the younger kids who never develop a relationship with their parents. I’m not saying that the values of sacrifice and being other – focused aren’t useful. They are very useful.

But it’s not right to have more children than you yourself can physically, financially and emotionally take care of. Abdicating the responsibility to the “little mother” (the oldest daughter) is not a solution. And, since most Americans no longer live on farms or have such a high childhood mortality rate, there’s no real need to have ten children any longer.

While some large families are able to make it work (usually because of the talent and skill of both parents), often many families struggle as these children enter adulthood. And large families are sometimes happy, but it’s not a guarantee that one will have a large, happy, functional family without a lot of work (and some luck).

Communities have different values. I would much rather that my children acted out in public but also be very adaptable and well-adjusted socially and emotionally. Yes, there are many ways to work with kids as they get older, and mostly having involved parents and community is/are the key.