Mormon Mentality - Thoughts and Asides by Peculiar People » Things I Have Wanted to Say but Never Did: Return Missionaries

By NewlyHousewife

Jan. 21st, 2013 at 12:15 pm

A friend from high school I lost contact with, but thanks to Facebook have regained contact, just got back from his Mexico mission roughly 42 hours ago. Being female, not a romantic interest, and did not write him every month during the past two years (I got married, had a baby, and saw that marriage die with the same time frame. I did say I lost contact with him), I don’t expect to hear anything directly about how great his mission was until sometime next week. In the meantime I get to ponder what has annoyed me about return missionaries.

1) Your mission was akin to a vacation. You were gone for a prolonged period of time, things happened while you were gone, and you’re feeling a little out of place. This feeling does not make it ok to talk about your mission and nothing else. Similar to going to Florida, people assume you have more to talk about than just Florida.

2) This is the real world two years after you left it. It has changed.

3) You no longer need a ‘buddy’ to go over to a house, church, or grocery store. It’s great sleeping without a roommate. Embrace this unfamiliar world of independence and privacy.

4) The mission rules are rules for the mission. They are not rules you are expected to keep once you leave the mission. Ideally you would not keep any of the rules but helmets are important.

5) Believe it or not, most people don’t take you seriously anymore. You no longer represent the church in an official capacity. You are instead an ignorant 21 year-old who believes himself to contain the secret to a happy, perfect marriage. No one will tell you this, but you are wrong. Lest you be mentioned on Twitter, don’t include advice for situations you haven’t personally experienced in your coming home talk.

6) Try hard not to get swept up by church culture again. Not everyone who wears bikinis is doing so for attention.

7) Water is not controlled by Satan.

8) It is ok if your mission was a horrible experience you want to never revisit. You might make the Bishop’s wife uncomfortable for a bit, but most people will move on and stop mentioning your “return missionary” status every time you meet. The more open you are about it, the more likely other return missionaries will come out of the woodwork and befriend you over common experiences—a mission from hell.

9) Despite what your mission president said, it’s ok to take more than a couple of months before jumping back into the dating game. A few years would be ideal, but we know that won’t happen.

10) Please retire the white shirt and tie. The sweat stains are noticeable.

1. Mark B.

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 12:44pm

Your post makes recently returned missionaries look like easy targets–socially inept, rule-bound, completely incapable of talking about anything else–or if they do, it’s only in contrast to the mission.

What you ignore is the total immersion in mission culture that a mission requires. Sure, the world has gone on without the missionary for two years–but he is completely ignorant of where the world has gone. OK, I knew that Nixon had resigned the presidency, and that the U.S. POWs had returned from Vietnam. But everything else was a big blank spot. To make matters worse, I really couldn’t speak English–just a patois of English and Japanese and variants of Japanese that nobody but a fellow missionary could understand.

Still, a lot of what you say is good advice. Just be patient. It takes a while to re-enter society.

Just one question: why do people wear bikinis? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2. Left Field

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 1:00pm

When I saw the title, I thought it was going to be about the odd expression “return missionary.” Is that like being a “retire police officer”?

3. brandt

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 1:03pm

I love point 8. I think that’s something that gets brushed under the rug way too often. While I don’t think that everyone coming home from a mission should be doom-and-gloom “IT WAS HORRIBLE,” at the same time, there needs to be some outlet for some RM’s who come home to get those confusing, depressing, and angry thoughts and feelings out.

I didn’t really talk about my mission for 3-5 years afterwards. Briefly to my parents, briefly to people who asked, but other than that, hardly ever. It’s only been within the last couple of years that I was able to come to terms with it and view the positives that happened.

I’d love to see a calling for someone in the stake level to talk with many of those that come home, both men and women, to see if there’s any thoughts that they need to get off their chest. An “RM Debriefing,” if you will. However, I have the feeling that might not happen…

Oh, and 10? YES PLEASE. Your paper-thin white shirt with the sweat stains, yellow collar, and faint scent of wherever you served (along with that “ugly tie” that you thought was so ironic you wore on your mission) should be retired. Come to the real world – we can make you look GOOOD.

4. Tim

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 1:13pm

I, and I’d venture to say most other RMs, were more than a bit excited to follow your list. One companion told me that the first thing he’d do when he got home was to drive his truck up into the canyons, alone, to listen to his hard rock. Alone.

Sure, some RMs might talk about their missions like they just spent 2 years in a foreign country. What do you expect? And some might jump into the dating game after being gone from it for years.

I was just happy to be home. I could listen to my music, read my books, hang out with my friends, spend time alone. I didn’t date more than casually for two full years after the mission–I didn’t want to jump into something I wasn’t ready for. My white shirts may have been a little grey, but I didn’t have the money for new ones, and they certainly weren’t sweat stained. (Not all of us serve in hot, humid regions, after all).

How about advice for women (or men) thinking about dating a recently-returned RM? That could be a fun list…

5. NewlyHousewife

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 1:35pm

Mark, I personally enjoy the much better support offered in a bikini than a one piece (even a tankiki doesn’t offer much usually). I know others enjoy the ease to use the restroom when your bottom is not attached to your top, and I know of at least 3 people who enjoy the feeling of water on their stomach while swimming.

Tim, my friend served in Mexico. I was thinking of him and The Other Side of Heaven when I wrote that one. The general idea, because like you said most missionaires look forward to relaxing, was that as an RM its important to remember that ‘R’ and not feel guilt over being different than when you were on your mission. As for the list, it would be a mighty short one: “Don’t do it. At least wait until he knows conference talks do not solve every life problem.”

6. BTD Greg

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 1:58pm

“Your mission was akin to a vacation.”

I know it’s been a while, but my mission didn’t feel anything like a vacation at all. I think you’re difficulty understanding and relating to return missionaries my have something to do with some fundamental problems in your assumptions (or maybe a failure of empathy).

Yes, return missionaries are weird. I think that has a lot to do with how much missions are really nothing whatsoever like vacations.

7. BTD Greg

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 2:08pm

Your, not you’re. I know.

8. Trevor

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 2:32pm

Haha nice. I’ll add one:

You’ve been out of the dating game for some time now, and possibly didn’t have much experience before you left in the first place. So those men or women who do you the favor of accompanying your awkward self on those first few dates after your mission are saints. And, accordingly, it will feel like you are going out with a sister missionary (if you’re a guy) or and elder (if you’re a girl). This feeling will eventually change, so do not think it’s normal and believe you should expect that kind of relationship in a marriage.

9. jks

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 4:30pm

Great list of suggestions, although starting off with “Your mission was akin to a vacation” kind of sets the wrong tone because the reader thinks that your #1 reason that you are annoyed with returned missionaries is that their mission was like a vacation……

10. eljee

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 4:38pm

In regards to #1, people talk about their missions for the same reason that pregnant women talk about pregnancy or that moms talk about their kids… it’s a profoundly life-changing experience that generally needs to be processed, whether the experience has been good, bad, or both. It often NEEDS to be talked about. I think a more general rule is appropriate here, which is that all humans seeking to learn good manners need to learn to talk less about themselves, or at least to reserve most of these kinds of conversations for when they are with people who have shared the same experience. But I think the rest of us need to be a bit patient as well with anyone who is trying to figure out how to fit something meaningful and compliceted into their identity.

As far as #8, it really is very difficult to find places and ways to talk about difficult mission experiences. My mission was an exercise in endurance and not much more than that, but I too didn’t share that with other people. I still have shared it with most people. I’ve shared it in therapy and with one other person who served in the same mission and “got it”. (I didn’t go to therapy to talk about my mission, but it was interesting how it wove itself in and around so many of the other things we were discussing.) I do think it would be fabulous to have a culture where it was more acceptable to talk about hard missions… but I’m not brave enough to be the one to break out and do it.

11. Ian Cook

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 6:00pm

The one I disagree with most is number 1. Mission is not akin to a vacation, unless of course your vacation was 2 years long. 2 years is an awful long time to spend away and be required to not talk about it. What else is there to talk about?

12. Casey

Mon, Jan 21, 2013 @ 7:27pm

I dispute that water is not controlled by Satan. Anyone who’d dealt with leaky plumbing can tell you that it is the devil’s fluid.

13. Peter LLC

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 6:06am

Weird list. My free advice for those who remained in the “real world” would be to respond to returned missionaries as individuals rather than as a class of uptight, clueless, rule-bound, marriage-advice-dispensing slobs who can’t talk about anything else (but won’t admit they hated it).

14. E

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 8:50am

Yikes, OP. Be nice.

15. John Mansfield

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 8:53am

Sort of low-hanging fruit here. Raise the bar and do a follow-up with ten points of counsel on how Nobel prize winners back from Stockholm really need to get over themselves having had dinner with the king of Sweden and a fancy gold medal hung on their necks. Seriously, none of us care; we couldn’t tell King Whatever-his-name-is from Prince Charming or one of Snow White’s dwarves.

16. Fatima

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 12:25pm

I have nothing but compassion for returned (yes, returned, with a “d” on the end) missionaries.

I’d implore you to give them a freaking break. As I disclaimer, I’ve left the church, and one of the reasons was the missionary program. I doubt you’ll see more evidence of cultish behavior than on a mission.

Any human with an ounce of compassion and a basic understanding of psychology should understand that separating a teenager from his family, friends and pastimes for two years; forcing him never to date or be alone with anyone of the opposite sex–much less masturbate–is bound to have adjustment prowls when he returns.

17. Fatima

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 12:26pm

Adjustment problems…

18. Anon

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 12:53pm

“Don’t include advice for situations you haven’t personally experienced in your coming home talk.”

But you would give RMs advice for a situation you haven’t personally experienced? Seems a bit ironic.

That said, I mostly agree, except with 1. A mission is nothing like a vacation. And what else would you expect RMs to talk about?

19. IDIAT

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 2:58pm

I thought being a new house wife or house husband and parent was the best vacation ever. At least it was for me, compared to serving a mission. I can’t believe no return sister missionaries have chimed in to either agree or disagree with you list of annoyances.

20. Dr. Horrible

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 5:06pm

I agree with #10. An RM needs a chance to reacclimate to life back home. [And to stretch the pregnancy metaphor a bit more - much like a post labor mom needs 6 weeks to readjust - it just takes time getting back to realworld normal.]

Most RMs know this. I was an awkward bloke for at least the first 60 days. I went on a few fun dates, and shook hands at the end of each of them. I was a dweeb, uncomfortable with the new status the LDS church had given me…

21. Dr. Horrible

Tue, Jan 22, 2013 @ 5:18pm

looking at the OP from a generous angle, being on a mission is a vacation from the real world. e.g. we are away from life’s normal responsibilities and the goings on of a secular society. We are totally focused on the spirituality of ourselves, our companions, our fellow missionaries, and those we teach. It is an unbalanced equation.

when we return, the equation gets adjusted back to reality.

For some, that 0-60MPH once we hit MTC/mission to the 60MPH – 0 once we return home is a shock to the system…and understandably so. As someone aptly pointed out, if you haven’t experienced it, it’s hard to appreciate.

22. MCQ

Wed, Jan 23, 2013 @ 4:48am

Can we once and for all agree that it’s “returnED missionary”, not “return missionary”?

23. living in zion

Wed, Jan 23, 2013 @ 10:52am

The only thing I can say about returned (thanks for the clarification MCQ) missionaries, both men and women is that I delight in asking them, “So, when are you planning on getting married?”
Someone has to ask and it might as well be me. Like a pulling a band-aid, it is better just to rip it right off and get it out of the way.

24. annegb

Wed, Jan 23, 2013 @ 3:47pm

I agree with eljee #10.

I think your use of the word “vacation” is incorrect…it implies rest. I’m not sure what I’d substitute, but they sure do have a culture shock when they come home and things have changed.

Good post, I’ve missed you!

25. JR

Thu, Jan 24, 2013 @ 12:38am

I had to laugh about the list. There is some truth to it, though it is not all true. And it depends upon the individual. My mission President encouraged the missionaries to stay current with world events. The MP could also be a jerk and some of what he did was not very sensible. The MTC was a horrible experience as well as my mission. Sometimes when the missionary gets home no one uses them for anything, which would help them adjust.
In my mission there were missionaries who treated the mission like it was a vacation. There should be a support group for those who had missions from hell. I was very happy to get home and back to my routine, and I never talked about my mission unless asked. I definitely learned the meaning of “many are called but few are chosen” on my mission.

26. Chad Too

Thu, Jan 24, 2013 @ 10:02am

I took the “vacation” reference more like this: RMs talk incessantly about their missions in the same way that your neighbors who spent Christmas in Hawaii can’t talk about anything else.

Brandt: I wrote and directed a roadshow where the premise was a person who’s Stake calling was to work with the recently returned. It was a comedy, so the name of the calling was the Weirdness Obliterator for Returning Missionaries, or WORM for short. I got quite the cheer from the audience when the WORM counseled one young RM thusly: “Your Mom loves you a lot, but she doesn’t really want to get up at 6am for companion study.”

I also agree that there needs to be a space for those who struggled. The balm of years has allowed me to look back fondly, but my mission was a lot of hard work with plenty of down days where I had to dig deep just to get through. It’s okay to not have loved every minute.

27. Mandy

Sun, Jan 27, 2013 @ 12:37am

Per #19′s request: I am a returned sister missionary who served for several months in a foreign country, had an overall good experience (though it was definitely hard), got sick and had to come home for a couple of months. Then I was sent back out to a stateside mission, had a horrible experience, and came home after a couple of months at my request. After mission 1, I accompanied high councilors to speak in different wards, got a lot of attagirl treatment, so proud of you, etc. After mission 2, well, not so much, not at all really.

Neither experience was a vacation in any way, but quite honestly, most people wanted me to talk about my mission (at least after mission 1). So I think that one depends on your conversation partner. As regards point 2, 9/11 happened while I was gone, so no one needed to point out to me that the world had changed. And just generally I already felt so awkward and out of place after both missions that fitting in and feeling normal took a while. I was quite happy about points 3 and 4 – it was sweet relief, in fact. Point 5 – I don’t know. I think a lot of people did take me seriously after mission 1 – too seriously even. The near hero worship often made me uncomfortable since there had been a lot of hard times as well and I felt guilty about getting sick (took a long time to get over that). After mission 2, I felt like I was mostly just a disappointment, so I think it was a non-issue. I don’t remember points 6 and 7 coming up, but maybe I wasn’t paying attention. :) Point 8 was huge for me after mission 2. It took me years to talk to anyone about what happened. Finding people with similar experiences was a big help, though. Regarding point 9, I did wait a few months to date, till I went back to finish my last year of college, and I think that’s not a bad idea. For point 10 – I did get rid of many things that had worn out or were too mission-y. Helps with the acclimation process.

Some of these points were funny, like point 7; it made me laugh. But I think in general, RMs need a lot of empathy/sympathy. It’s tough – a lot tougher than anyone who’s never been out there can imagine, and a lot tougher than they tell you it will be. And I think that’s true no matter what because I know what it feels like to come home from both types of experiences, good and bad, and it’s really not easy either way. But I think talking about the good and the bad with sensitive people can really help missionaries process and adjust much more quickly. That said, I can understand why other topics would also be appreciated, but be patient; it takes a while to find other topics when you’ve been focused on only the one topic for so long.